


Lost Boys

by bingebabyren



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2019-08-04 20:32:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 27,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16353800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bingebabyren/pseuds/bingebabyren
Summary: Sequel to It Follows





	1. Introduction

Zhong Chenle here, and if you're listening to this, congratulations! You've survived doomsday. 

I'd like to apologize straight away for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you, though, none of it was our fault. Earthquakes, rebellions, floods, tsunamis, riots, tornadoes, etcetera, etcetera. Personally, I blame the baby boomers. Apparently taking our jobs wasn't enough.

Since there are now only seven of us, including myself, we've decided to record our own perspectives, things that we're doing, how we go about our lives now that the world is...( Yukehi is telling me to say shithole but not on my christian minecraft server ) you get the idea.

I'd like to apologize for any gross, soft shit you might end up hearing in future chapters, some of us were lucky to still have our significant other with us. If it were up to me, and if this was fiction, I'd totally make this jam-packed with action and zombies. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, but then I realize that it's our reality.

Not for real, actual zombies, but there are some fucked up people out there who would definitely kill and eat, adorable, astonishingly handsome boys, like myself.

But that's besides the point. We plan on recording whenever we can, as Johnny and Jaehyun were nice enough to not lock up their old studio for podcasts. It's not as nice as they made it out to be, I'm kind of disappointed. But then again, it's still nicer than where we all live now, so maybe I'll just live here.

(Jisung just kicked me in the shin and said to get on with it, someone's a little sister salty.) Anyway, I'm sure you don't really care about how we ended up in this mess, and our sob story of how we lost our friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, and became orphans...I know I wouldn't. So I'm going to skip over all that, and just say this: we did some shit, humanity. Mother nature was pissed right the fuck off, and we're paying the price.

This is how we survive.


	2. I Brought My Words To A Fistfight

Jisung wedged himself between a car and the bank it had crashed into. The driver's body was in the early stages of decomposition. Paint was scratched off the door, which had been knocked into by some sort of animal just enough to pop it open and crawl inside. Jisung stared at the crow sitting on the driver, picking at it's eyes.

"That's fucking disgusting."

Jisung glared at Renjun, who was sitting in the passenger seat beside the corpse. "Shh!"

"Quiero que alguien se coma mi culo."

Jisung clenched his jaw and turned his attention back to the crowd ahead of him. A torn paper bag was on the ground, tossed carelessly to the side. Jisung's mouth watered at the sight of a peach rolling out of the bag, and onto the pavement.

He hadnt eaten anything in days. The only reason he had gone out on his own was to find food. He hadn't told anyone he was leaving that morning, but by now, they had no doubt figured it out. It was nearing sunset, and Jisung hadn't had any luck at all. He stomach ached and his throat burned. Saliva pooled in his mouth rapidly as he thought of all the food his mother (and Taeyong) used to make for him. He had been ready to give up and head back when the spilled peach caught his eye. 

"Oh my god, baby, if you're that fucking hungry, just take the damn thing."

"Can you just leave me alone?" Jisung hissed at Renjun, but when he turned to scold the older boy, he was gone. Inside the car, just the corpse and the bird that was no longer picking at its eyes, but was staring at Jisung. He would've been uncomfortable, if someone from the crowd ahead hadn't heard him.

"Who's there?"

Jisung's felt a panic rising in his chest as footsteps approached him, and he dropped down to the ground and hid himself ender the car he had previously been pressed against.

He felt his heart pounding is his hest as images from the last time he ran into people like this.

It was a few miles south of where he and the others were staying, which, thankfully, was only a block away from where he was now. He and Yukhei had went out looking for things like knives, scrap wood or metal, anything that could be useful. Or in Jisung's case, an old gameboy he stole from a retro looking shop, filled with old game stations and records. He took games he had never even heard of, like Galaga, Metroid, and Castlevania. He even managed to find one of his old favorites, a game he had years ago, but stopped working due to over use. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. Jisung used to be scared of the Skull Kid.

Jisung had gather the games in his bag, while Yukhei stood on the other side of the window Jisung had smashed to get inside. Yukhei was gesturing at him to hurry up, his eyes wide as he kept looking to the side.

"Jisung!" He whispered desperately. He seemed to consider whether he should go in and get the younger boys, but he soon decided that it would be best if Jisung instead came to him. It wouldn't do them any good if both of them were trapped inside when the mob reached them. "We have to go!"

Jisung turned to see Yukhei gripping a knife in his fist, reaching his free hand out towards him. Jisung took it, and let himself be pulled out of the building. Yukhei set him down and they began to run away as fast as they could. The mob was still ways away, and neither of them were sure if they had been seen. However, when they made it back that night, Yukhei had explained that he had seen them fighting and killing each other for things, and with the stash the boys managed to get that day, neither of them wanted to be caught.

Jisung hadn't cared that day, and if anything, he felt good about it. It gave him a sense of carelessness, he felt like he could escape anything, death was finally avoidable. He had been the first to fall sick almost a year ago, and the only one to recover after being so close to death. And again, running with Yukhei after stealing a bunch of shit (though most of it held very little value) he felt like a king.

But now, he felt his heart hammering in his chest and he wondered if the man approaching him could hear it. His stomach rumbled lowly, and Jisung cringed and hoped to god that he and then heard.

"There a raccoon or something, Jay?"

'Jay' stopped directly in front of Jisung, who slowly began pushing himself towards the back end if the vehicle. The pavement scraped his skin, and tiny bits of loose rock stabbed into his palms, sticking there, but he barely noticed. 'Jay' started to get down on his knees, and Jisung clamped a hand down over his mouth to silence his breathing, and with his free hand, he chucked a rock at one if the crates a few feet away, knocking the top one off of the other that it was stacked on.

When the man froze, Jisung pushed himself out from under the car and took off running. He could hear them yelling after him, and Jisung refused to look over his shoulder as he sprinted down the streets, darting around cars that we're strewn all over the place. Some had corpses rotting in the seats, but for once, Jisung didn't stop to look.

Jisung ran past another car, and could have sworn that he saw Renjun sitting on the hood, smirking at him. He almost turned to look, but the yelling was getting closer.

Up ahead, Jisung saw the alleyway that lead to where he and the others had been staying. He was almost relieved, when he felt himself being jerked back by his hood. Jisung could barely see, and he didn't care. He kicked and punched at everything he could reach. He didn't care where he hit, all he cared about was getting away. A loud grunt sounded, and Jisung was released. Behind him, the one who had caught up to him had dropped to his knees, hunched over in pain. Jisung turned into the alley, thankful that the rest of the group was still too far behind to see where he had gone.

He squeezed himself behind the dumpsters and into the small gap between to buildings. He opened the door that was just barely narrow enough to fit, and ran inside. He slammed he door behind him, making sure to use every single lock that Yuta had put on the door. There were five total.

Almost immediately, Jisung was pulled into a pair of arms. He didn't get a chance to see who was there,  but he didn't need to see to recognize the thin frame he was being held against.

"You're okay," Sicheng said softly into his hair. Jisung's lip quivered as Sicheng pet his hair, and he remembered how Taeyong used to do the same whenever he was upset. "Don't cry."

Jisung reached a hand up to his face and pressed his fingers against his wet cheeks. He hadn't realized he had started to cry.

"You're safe here."

Jisung nodded, backing a few steps away from Sicheng. His health had improved dramatically in the sense that he wasn't throwing up and coughing his guys out anymore, and he had gained some weight back. Not a lot, and not nearly enough, but some. Jisung didn't miss Yuta trying to coax Sicheng into eating something, on the rare occasion that they had found enough for everyone. Yuta always ended up giving half of his portion to Sicheng anyways.

"I know that," Jisung nodded. "It's out there that scares me. "

"It's out there that scares all of us. "

"It's a great vibe we got in here," Chenle said as he looked around at everyone. He felt a pang of jealosuy, looking at Jisung and Sicheng. He was supposed to be the one comforting Jisung. They were best friends, after all. Yuta stood akwardly to the side, and looked like he was wondering if he should step in or keep to himself. Yukhei was going through his bag of stolen items, and every time he pulled out a knife or a screwdriver, or anything of the sort, he stabbed it into the table. "It's like daddy just hit mommy at the dinner table and we're all trying to keep eating."

Donghyuck looked up with a glare, but, for once, didn't say anything.

"Just eat, honey. It's okay. Just eat. Daddy just got a little angry. Just eat. 'I don't wanna eat'. Mommy's okay. Daddy just got a little crazy. 'Do I have to eat?' Yes. You have to eat."

Chenle wasn't used to not getting a reaction. He earned a pretty half-assed glare from Yuta, but that wasn't satisfying at all.

Chenle pursed his lips and went to sit next to Donghyuck. He leaned against the far wall, and slid down. Donghyuck glanced at him, and Chenle expected a complaint, but he never got one. He remembered Donghyuck hadn't said much of anything since... well, in a while.

Looking at him made Chenle's heart break, though he would never admit it. He had the one thing he loved taken away from him, his many attempts at release, at bliss, taken away just when he had though he would be successful because this time, Mark wasn't there to stop him.

Chenle was.


	3. I Don't Mind if There's Not Much to Say

Jeno sat in the street, letting the heat from the sun pour into him. The blacktop burned his palms, but he didn't move. He didn't want to, he liked the way it felt. A pain that was bearable, and, oddly enough, comforting.

It was late afternoon, the time that the heat was at it's worst and the sun shone brighter than ever. He'd take this over night. The nights were terrible. The temperature dropped below freezing almost as soon as the sun disappeared over the horizon. Jeno sat watching the water lap at the shore, a little ways away from the empty street he had settled on.

His skin was much darker than it used to be, but he didn't care. Maybe a few years ago, it would've mattered. Not to his friends, especially not to Jaemin, but to some. His hair was slowly starting to lighten, since Jeno liked to sit in the sun most days. He rarely did anything productive, but he didn't think he needed to. What was the point?

He could scavenge for more food, maybe stock up, but Jeno managed to find just enough for him to eat once every few days. It kept him alive, and that's all that mattered. If Jaemin was still alive, things would be different. It wasn't like he was being offered food on the daily, though. 

Jeno felt a soft pressure on his cheek, and he turned his head to lean into it. His eyes fluttered closed and his lips quivered slightly. "I miss you." He whispered. "So much. I'd do anything to have you back. You know that?" 

A hand touched his shoulder, and Jeno whipped around to grab the collar of the figure behind him, and shoved backwards to send him hurtling to the ground. Jeno jumped on top of him, using his knees to pin his down while he drew his knife from his pocket.

"Whoa, man, it's me! It's me!" Vernon's dark eyes peered up at him.

Jeno sat back, releasing his arms with a low sigh. "What are you doing here?" He asked, feeling his heartbeat slow.

Vernon shrugged. "Came to find you." A tiny cut had appeared on his neck. He rubbed at it, smearing blood on his fingers. "Don't worry about it." He said, noticing the guilty expression on Jeno's face as he opened and closed his mouth like a fish, searching for words.

"Just ... Hwiyoung's always warning us about the mobs."

Hwiyoung was one of the original rescuers. He found people lost and alone, and took them in and taught them how to survive. And after Jeno got separated from the others, he was glad to be part of a group again. Though he wasn't used to it yet, it was still better than being alone. He didn't plan on staying, and made sure Hwiyoung knew this. And he wasn't offended, thank god. He was understanding, and even offered to help locate them. So far, nothing. 

"I've been worse." Vernon grinned and pulled up his shirt to reveal a nasty looking scar across his abdomen. He let out a low laugh and began to walk with Jeno, slowly back in the opposite direction if the water. He pulled his hood up over his beanie hat, which crushed his  light brown curls against his forehead. Vernon had a more western look to him, in both his face and how he carried himself. He had light skin and hair that curled instead of lying flat. He had more rounded eyes, sharp features, and a smirk that never seemed to go away. He was handsome, Jeno thought. But not his type. He wasn't Jaemin. Nobody could ever live up to him.

Vernon was a great friend, though. One if the first people he had met, and had only been there a week longer than he had. Apparently a week was long enough to act as Jeno's tour guide.

"How are you holding up?"

And Vernon was the only one Jeno told about Jaemin. Vernon lost someone, too. Not to the sickness; she was shot. 

"Much better," Jeno tried to sound bouyant, happy. The furthest from the truth. "It's getting easier."

Vernon frowned. "You've only been here a few months," He said, squeezing Jeno's shoulder. " It takes time to forget."

"I'll never forget," Jeno quickened his pace. He remembered the first few weeks he had been with Hwiyoung and the others, he had been barely present. Pushing dehydrated fruits and soft, flavorless fish around his plate. He didn't want it. Even now, he refused to eat it. " I don't want to. But that's what I'm worried about."

The memories were already starting to haze. Every day he woke up finding it harder and harder to remember Renjun's soft voice, and Jaemin's bright smile.

"I know how you feel," Vernon said as he pushed his hood back and took off his hat. The trapped curls sprung free, wildly in every direction, and he ran a hand through them to push them away from his face. It didn't work, though. They fell right back. His skin was flawless, aside from the dry patches on his nose and cheeks, red and peeling from the sun. "It'll get easier."

"Yeah," Jeno stepped on a piece of driftwood. He smirked when it snapped under his weight. "That's what Changgu said."

A shout split the air ahead of them. Vernon grabbed Jeno's arm and pulled him off the road and into the cover of the trees. They crouched side by side, their knives drawn as they watched a figure run down the road. As it drew closer, they tensed, unsure of whether they should stay where they are or run the other way. 

Before one of them could decide, Hwasa slowly came into view. Her face was scrunched in frustration, and her hair was blowing wildly around her face in the wind. She was one of the few women Hwiyoung had brought in. One of the few he had come across, anyway. "Hwasa," Vernon called. "What's wrong?"

"Hwiyiung wants you both back." She stopped in front if them, leaning down with her hands on her knees as she struggled to catch her breath. "Now."


	4. Dungeons and Dragons Club

Yuta should've been happy. He should've been ecstatic, after all, this was what he dreamt about over a year ago.

Ever since Sicheng had gotten better (sort of, he'll explain later), it was like somewhere inside him, a switch had flipped. Every chance he could get, Sicheng attached himself to Yuta. At first, Yuta was pleasantly surprised. But now, he worried about the real reasoning behind it. He wondered how damaged Sicheng really was, and if this was his way of coping with everything that had happened. Yuta had nothing against sex, nothing at all. But this was excessive, and if Sicheng was using it to push away his emotions, it might not end well.

Sicheng curled his thumbs into Yuta's belt loops, his other fingers digging into the skin under his shirt. Sicheng's detached himself from Yuta's neck, and gently brushed them against the underside of his jaw. "Yuta," Sicheng started. His voice was lower than usual, soft, but not yet to the point of a whisper. "Are the others asleep?"

Yuta groaned when Sicheng sunk his teeth into his shoulder. He lifted his head, smiling ear to ear and Yuta swore he had never seen anything so beautiful. His heart raced in his chest, and all the worry he had vanished. "Everyone but Yukhei," He said as he raised a hand to push Sicheng's overgrown black hair out of his face. "But he's outside." Sicheng wore a thin, loose fitted white t-shirts, which was stretched out to expose his collar bones. Yuta pushed the light material off of one shoulder, leaving small, butterfly kisses over his shoulder. Another thing Yuta knew Sicheng loved, was to be kissed. Whether it was his lips, his cheeks, his forehead, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, thighs, everywhere. Intimate or not, it didn't matter. And Yuta loved givimg them just as much as Sicheng liked receiving.

Outside, Yukhei insisted in gaurding the door, just in case the mob that had chased Jisung that afternoon were still hanging around looking for him. Yuta wasn't going to sleep anyways, he wanted to be able to hear if anything went wrong.

"Good." And with that, Sicheng went back to work, this time focusing more on his upper chest and shoulders. Yuta knew he would look ridiculous tomorrow, but what was he going to do? Tell Sicheng 'no'? Fuck you.

Yuta leaned back against the wall, pulling his knees up to press Sicheng, who had been straddling him, against his chest. Yuta wrapped his arms tight around his waist and rested his chin on Sicheng's shoulder. Sicheng couldn't move, he was squished against Yuta, who only squeezed tighter the more he pushed away. "What is this?"

Yuta inhaled deeply. "Can we just lay here? I want to hold you." He said softly, loosening his grip enough for Sicheng to lean back to look at him. Yuta cupped his face in his hands, planting a kiss on Sicheng's squished lips when he squeezed his cheeks together.

"After?" His hands were already working at the zipper on Yuta's jeans.

Well...maybe he worried too much. Sex wasn't a bad way to cope, was it? It wasn't hurting anyone. At least Sicheng wasn't hurting himself or acting out. In most ways, he was almost the same as he used to be. Only now, he had stepped up to take care of the younger boys. He seemed to be trying to redeem himself, since he was too sick to do anything while Taeyong, Mark Kun, Jaehyun, and Yuta did everything.

He remembered it didn't take long after they first met for their relationship to take off, though, Yuta wasn't sure if he ever even asked Sicheng to be his boyfriend. Perhaps it just sort of ...happened. Not that Yuta wouldn't have asked, he took a liking to Sicheng almost immediately, and a few weeks later, after some light flirting and several eye rolls from Taeil, Sicheng had Yuta wrapped around his finger.

It wasn't that hard, as Sicheng was always one to notice the little things. Like how Yuta liked the light touches on his neck, how he would press himself further into Sicheng with each brush of the fingertips along the delicate skin, and bonus point if it was over a new hickey. He also made a point to pay special attention to Yuta's hair, often drawing out low groans when he tugged on his hair and ran his nails over his scalp.

It was the same way flipped around. Sicheng was always tightly wound, now, Yuta wouldn't go so far as to say he was uptight, but he was definitely... hypersensitive. His muscles were always tight from being in a constant state of anxiety, whether it was because of his inability to have control over every situation, or simply just the stress of medical school, or both. Yuta had a hard time convincing Sicheng to let him give him a massage the first time, but after a few times, Sicheng found that he rather liked it. Sicheng would lay on his stomach, hugging the pillow in front of him. His eyes fluttered closed when Yuta would first touch him, pushing the heels of his hands into his back.

Yuta was pulled back from his thoughts when Sicheng ground their hips together, and Yuta groaned softly into his neck.

-

_Just as planned, they arrived at the edge of the forrest by 1:25, and were back in Taeil's car by 1:39, because in his excitement, Yukhei ran shin-first into the side of a menacingly sharp wire that stuck out of a broken fence._

_Yuta lost his shit because he was certain that Yukhei would contract tetanus, and never be able to walk again, and he'd maybe need to have his leg amputated from the knee down. And a world with stump-legged Yukhei was not a world Yuta wanted to live in, so Taeil had to take care of both of them, while driving to the Urgent Care a few blocks away._

_As it turned out, the Urgent Care had been closed on Thursdays. Because all Thursday urgencies had to wait until Friday apparently_

_The whole thing was Yukhei's idea, to go night-adventuring to try and get Taeil to loosen up a little before midterms._

_"What if we get arrested?" Taeil asked, when the topic of wandering into the woods, which was private property, to find the abandoned paper mill and snoop around inside was brought up._

_"Since when does that deter you from doing anything?"_

_"My entire life, actually."_

_" Yeah, man, " Yuta, who was much easier to convince, and agreed on the spot, said, stuffing his mouth with full of pizza crust. "Live a little. You know, sometimes all you need is a nice adrenaline rush."_

_Taeil closed his text book and took off his glasses. "And trespassing is a good way to have an adrenaline rush?"_

_"Yes."_

_Taeil was regretting it all now, just as he knew he would. They hadn't even been out for a half hour, and Yukhei had already managed to hurt himself. He ignored Yukhei talking loudly about "how dope would it be if my leg fell off, I'd be like a pirate minus the ugly and treasure part" and Yuta fussing over him while trying to explain the dangers of tetanus._

_"This one's a gusher. Scar's gonna be wicked."_

_Taeil threw the door open, dragging Yukhei out of the backseat and up the sidewalk. "You're lucky I'm doing this for you." He hissed. Taeil nodded towards the doorbell of a small, average looking home. He gestured for Yuta to step forward and press it since Taeil needed both arms to carry Yukhei. The door was pulled open by a tall but very thin boy, with dark hair that was pulled back into a small ponytail. His hair couldn't have been that long, as not all of it would stay up. A few strands that had fallen out were barely past his chin. He had sharply angled eyes and plump lips, and an overall elfish look._

_"Hi, Taeil." He said with a small smile, though it was obviously forced. He eyed Yukhei and Yuta nervously._

_"This idiot here got his leg sliced open."_

_The boy looked down at Yukhei's shin and let out a low sigh. He stood there in the doorway for a while before stepping aside. "Come on, then."_

_Taeil had introduced the boy as 'Sicheng', a name that was clearly foreign but Yuta didn't ask._

_"What if Yukhei dies? "_

_Taeil looked at Yuta. " He's not gonna die. "_

_" I know that, but just imagine it. Cool, right? What a world that would be."_

_Yukhei didn't end up dying, obviously. He did, however, end up getting stitches and a jagged scar that resembled a stretched out letter 's'._

_"I didn't cry over this, I'm practically invincible!"_

_Taeil picked up the calculator that rested on the coffee table in a stack of papers with notes scribbled in mandarin all over, and chucked it at Yukhei's head. "Bet you weren't counting on that."_

_Yuta had watched Sicheng sterilize the needle, then carefully stitch up Yukhei's leg without batting an eye. He had Yukhei's leg over his lap, and leaned in close. Yuta stared as he pushed the needle through Yukehi's skin just as easily as if he was pushing it through fabric, and Yuta found himself mesmirized by Sicheng's swift and intricate movements._

_Yukhei didn't complain, despite the only way Sicheng could numb him was with ice, which still wasn't that great but it the the best he could do. Though, based on Yukhei's many scar's, including the small chunk he had missing from the side of his chin, he figured it wasn't the first or the last time this happened._

_"He go to school with you or something?" Yuta asked Taeil once they had left. They had decided to just go home, dropping off Yukhei first and then Yuta._

_"Yeah. He's already got his medical license and next year he's starting surgical residency."_

_"Are you guys close, or is he just a classmate? "_

_"Kind of in between. I'd consider us friends."_

_"Does he have a lot of friends? He seemed pretty nervous, is he always like that? "_

_Taeil nodded. He flipped off the guy in the truck who had previously been beside him, then decided to cut him off. "I wouldn't say nervous. He's not really a people person. He gets alomg with everyone, but he mostly keeps to himself ." Taeil eyed Yuta, wondering about his sudden interest. " He doesn't have a girlfriend, if that's what you're getting at. "_

_"It's not."_

-

"Can we start over?" Yuta asked when Sicheng let his lower lip out from between his teeth.

"Start what over?"

"Everything. It's all fucked up now, everything is all fucked up."

Sicheng wore a bittersweet smile. " Everything's always been fucked up."

"Look at us, Sicheng. You were going to be a surgeon. I was going to be...whatever, and now look at us. Living in our dead friends old workplace that's barely big enough for the two of us, let alone seven."

Sicheng chuckled softly. " I think starting over would take too long."

"So , start from out last saved point? "

Sicheng rolled off of Yuta, only to push him over onto his stomach to lay back down on top of him. Sicheng slid his hands under Yuta's sweatshirt and rubbed small circles over his back. "You sound like the Dungeons and Dragons club but hotter."

"Yeah ? "

"But what isn't hotter than the Dungeons and Dragons club?" Sicheng said with a smirk, and Yuta laughed softly and nuzzled his head into Sicheng's neck. Sicheng pet his hair, curling strands around his fingers and gently massaging his scalp.

Yuta began to place soft pecks across his neck, and Sicheng let out a satisfied sigh, before resting his cheek on the top of Yuta's head. He wrapped his arms around his neck, hugging Yuta's head to his chest, and wrapped his legs around his waist. They lay there for a while, until Yuta's soft pecks turned to hot, open mouthed kisses, and the grip on his hair tightens.

Yuta can feel Sicheng's chest rising and falling heavily beneath him, and soon enough, his head is pulled back. Sicheng stares towards the door in alarm. "What was that?"

"What?" Yuta pushed himself to his feet and walks towards the door. Just before he reached it, yelling sounded from outside. Sicheng jumped up and ran towards the closet, where Jisung and Chenle slept.

Yuta scrambled around the room, nearly knocking over a half-asleep Donghyuck who had emerged out of nowhere, searching the the keys. He could hear Yukhei outside, along with other voices he didn't recognize. It sounded like a struggle, and then silence. Yuta's heart hammered in his chest as he found the set of keys, and fumbled around for the right one. His hand shook violently as he attempted to push it into the keyhole. Chenle pushed him out of the way and took the keys, and unlocked the door easily.

Slowly, he pushed the door open.


	5. You Brought Your Fists To A Knife Fight

Yukhei looked around in confusion. He blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust, and when they finally did, he could still barely see a foot in front of him. He sat up, wondering when he fell asleep and more importantly, what woke him up? He froze, fingers tightening over the gun he held in his lap when he heard low voices at the end of the alleyway. 

Yukhei couldn't see them, but their footsteps grew heavier and the whispers grew louder. Yukhei didn't think they knew he was there, and they would definitely see him if he turned and went inside. Yukhei didn't want anyone knowing where they were staying, and especially with the many mobs after him and Jisung for robbing them, it would be disasterous. 

He quickly stood up and felt around for the dumpster that sat a few feet away from the door, and shoved his body between that at the stack of crates that leaned against the building to his left. He could barely fit, but he forced his way in, ignoring the pain in his shoulders. He gripped his gun in one hand, a knife in the other and waited. He didn't plan on jumping out and killing anyone, he hoped he could just hide there until they passed.

As the footsteps grew near, a dark figure made it's way into view. It was big, not very tall but still broad enough to make Yukhei question himself if he ended up having to fight.

"Sang, you idiot-"

"Fuck off, okay? You're the one who lost the kid." 

Yukhei squeezed his eyes shut and let his head fall back against the bricks behind him. He bit his lip, hard, and the strong, metallic taste filled his mouth.  Of course there was more than one.

The two fell silent after a few seconds of bickering, and Yukhei's eyes shot open. Slowly, he crawled forward and poked his head out just enough for him to see what they were doing.

His heart dropped to his stomach when he saw the outline of the smaller one inspecting the boarded up door, that only Yukhei and Jisung knew how to open. Though, it wasn't difficult to figure out, if enough force was applied, it could be broken open fairly easily. Still, it was better than nothing.

"Look at this." The smaller on nudged the other, nodding towards the door. Yukhei gripped the knife tight in his hand as he slowly stood up, somehow managing to not make a sound. He was glad it was still late, and they wouldn't see him until it was too late. Hopefully. Yukhei had hoped they would move on, maybe try the door a few times before giving up, but when the larger figure started slamming his shoulder into the boards, all Yukhei could think about was Jisung on the other side, and how scared he had been earlier. How scared he must be now. He knew they were all awake now, if they weren't already.

Yukhei shuffled forward, his jaw clenched as he held the knife out from his body, just enough to avoid cutting himself accidentally if either of them made any sudden movements.

Yukhei figured his best bet was to take down the bigger one first, before they knew he was there, then he had a good chance at getting rid of the smaller one once he knew he was there. Yukhei kept his back against the wall, side stepping towards them with wide eyes. He watched as the two pounded against the door. A few of the boards had cracked already. 

Yukhei took a few quick steps forward before stabbing the knife into the only place Yukhei knew would kill immediately. The medulla oblongata is the body's on/off switch. Something he never thought he would need to know, but now he was glad he did. Yukhei spent months reading up on human anatomy, not that he ever had much if an interest in it. But ever since the supposed 'end of the world' which turned out to really only be intense climate change and a new plague, Yukhei decided these were things he would need to know.

When Yukhei felt the blade sink down into the base of the larger figured neck, hitting the bone and bundle of nerves that shut everything down instantly, and he felt the man's body collapse beneath him, Yukhei felt a surge of energy shoot through his body. He jumped up and spun around, yanking the knife out of the man's neck and advancing towards the other.

He seemed to hesitate for a second, before ducking under Yukhei and yanking his leg out from under him. Yukhei hit the ground hard, his back slamming against the cement but he spun around and slashed the knife at his legs. The man groaned loudly, reaching down and ripping the knife out of his calf.  Yukhei kicked himself away, hut before he could stand, the man was already on top of him. Yukhei squirmed, trying to throw him off, but he was stronger than he had expected. The man held tight onto him. Yukhei's eyes widened as he saw the man raise the knife, but when he moved to stab him, Yukhei jerked his body to the side just enough to avoid a hit to the chest. Instead, the blade grazed his side. Yukhei struggled to grab the knife, his fingers wrapping around the blade. He didn't care that it cut into him, he just needed it back. 

His hands were sticky with his own blood and tears burned his eyes but he wouldn't let them spill over. Yukhei let out a loud grunt as the man finally loosened his grip on the knife just ling enough for Yukhei to take it back and toss it behind him. The man looked up in confusion, and in that moment, Yukhei took the opportunity to flip them over. Yukhei pinned his arms down under his knees, making sure to crush them as much as he could. The man's screams of pain only encouraged him, and Yukhei kept his whole body on top of him to keep him from moving when he let go. Yukhei reached into his jeans, where he kept the gun tucked against his waist.

"You're gonna kill me?" The man asked, a dazed smile making it's way to his lips. Shame, Yukhei thought. He was actually pretty handsome. Yukhei brought the gun down on his face, buy the smile remained despite the blood flowing into his mouth from his now busted lip and fucked up nose.

"Yeah," Yukhei said as he pressed the gun against the man's temple. "I am."

And he pulled the trigger. 

Yukhei lay on the cement, trying to catch his breath. He was still trying to comprehend what had just happened. He wasn't sure how long he was there, but it was still dark when the door opened, so it couldn't have been too long. Chenle poked his head out. "Xuxi, thank god," Chenle let out a sigh of relief and rushed out the door and into Yukhei's arms. "We thought you died or something."

"Thanks for having so much faith in me, guys." Yukhei laughed softly as Yuta stepped outside. Sicheng followed close behind, with Jisung clinging to his side. Yukhei used the side of the dumpster to pull himself up, pretending not to notice the blood gushing from his side. Sicheng eyed him carefully, inspecting for any other wounds but luckily, his side was the only part of him that needed immediate medical attention.

Sicheng sighed. "Why is it always you I have to fix?" Yukhei shrugged and gave Sicheng a teasing smile. Sicheng held the door open for Yukhei and gestured for him to follow. Jisung let go of Sicheng and moved forward. "Let's go then." 

Yuta narrowed his eyes in disgust and kicked the body of the larger man, the one Yukhei had stabbed in the back of the neck. "Jisung, are these the guys?"

Jisung took a few steps forward. He stood beside Chenle, who hesitantly reached don't for his hand. Jisung shook his head after a few seconds. "I don't remember," He let Chenle hold his hand. "I'm sorry. "


	6. Alone Together

"Just like old times, huh?"

"Yukhei, this isn't something you should be reminiscing about."

" Well, I say it is," Yukhei cradled one arm across his chest, holding it out of the way as Sicheng sewed up the large gash on his side. "Besides, why shouldn't I? You used to fix me up every time I hurt myself, which, oddly enough, was back when things were good. Taeil introduced us-"

"I wouldn't say introduce, I mean, he hadn't planned on it until your stupid ass ran into a fence."

"And if my stupid ass hadn't, you and Sicheng wouldn't have met. So shut up."

Yuta closed his mouth and glared. Sicheng looked up at him briefly, wearing a small smile. It reminded him of the way Mark used to smile at him, like he couldn't see any flaws at all. Donghyuck felt bitter.

Bitter, until he tried picturing Mark. It had been months, and already, his face was beginning to haze. Donghyuck didn't have any pictures of them anymore, his phone had been lost back at the Target, and he didn't care enough to retrieve it. He didn't have a use for it, but thinking back, he wished he had brought it with him. Only for Mark. He had pictures, videos, old texts that had made his heart flutter, love letters forgotten in the drafts because he was too scared to send them. He wondered if Mark had any of those on his old phone.

Despite not being able to see his face clearly anymore, Donghyuck could still remember his voice, how it was slightly lower when he was tired. He spent countless nights lying on his chest, listening to Mark ramble on about school and work, music, life, until his voice slowly faded and was replaced with light snores. Mark always fell asleep first, as hard as he tried to stay awake. He complained, saying that he wanted to do that thing in books and movies where the guy watches the girl, thinking how beautiful she is and how he wished that moment would last forever. But Mark never got to do that, Donghyuck did. Donghyuck would sit up whenever he thought Mark was asleep, which he always was, and press a soft kiss to his lips before laying back down and going to sleep. Mark wasn't a big guy, the only muscle he had was lean, but that's how Donghyuck liked him. Soft and comfortable.

Mark would always say that one day Donghyuck would fall asleep first, even if it was only one time. And Donghyuck nodded, agreeing that there was no way Mark could fall asleep first every time.

But then, Mark got sick. And Mark was always asleep. He was always just...lying there. His body went limp every time Kun or Johnny would move him, and Donghyuck was so scared that he had passed. But every night when Donghyuck would visit Mark on the shelves that were now being used as platforms to rest the dying, Mark would smile and reach out for him. His hand were cold and bony, but still, Donghyuck held them in his own like nothing had changed. "You're my favorite person."

Mark pressed a kiss to Donghyuck's hand. He never said anything, but Donghyuck didn't mind. He heard Mark coughing and wheezing at night, struggling to get a breath of air, and Donghyuck didn't want him straining himself. If he had it his way, Mark wouldn't move at all. He needed to save his strength to get better.

But the dumbass got up. He walked around. He left.

He remembered thinking about all the things he had said to Mark in the past, how many hurtful words, even though he never meant them, he still felt guilty. Donghyuck spent the last couple weeks, when he was scared he would lose Mark, telling him every nice thing that came to mind when he looked at him. It was easy, as the last mean thing he had said was about Mark's hair when he had bleached and permed it for a dare. But that was years ago. 

"Hyuck," Jisung's voice pulled him from his thoughts. "Are you okay?"

Donghyuck lifted his eyes to meet Jisung's. He didn't say a word, and Jisung shifted nervously under his stare. Yukhei reached out from where he lay on the sorry excuse for a couch, without so much as a wince as Sicheng continued to stitch up his wound. "Just leave him, alone, Jisungie."

"We can't just leave him alone," Jisung's voice started to raise. Yuta looked up, startled. "He's not okay, he needs us."

Donghyuck shook his head and stood up. His legs felt like jelly, as he hadn't moved for hours. He quickly composed himself and headed for the door. He knew it was a stupid idea, there wasn't a great chance he would find what he was looking for. But Donghyuck had longed for death for years, it didn't scare him.

"Donghyuck, no! There might be mobs nearby, stay inside! "

He ignored Sicheng, and continued flicking up the many deadbolts that Yuta had added soon after they moved in. Not that they did much good, the wood around them was starting to rot. 

"Donghyuck-"

"I'll be back later."

And without another word, Donghyuck stepped out into the dark.


	7. Too Many More That It's Worth

"Can you stop sighing?"

Chenle turned towards Yuta and let out another long sigh.

Yuta groaned. "Chenle, please."

"Where is everyone?" Chenle asked as he threw himself face first into the couch. If he could even call it that. Though, the night Yukhei and Yuta dragged it back, in their drunken state, they had though it was a great find. _Why would anyone just throw this out? It's like a_ _seven-hundred_ _dollar couch!_ It wasn't even worth seven. It was orange, _very_ seventies, and it looked (and smelled) like it had been stained with cigarette smoke for forty years. Chenle was disgusted with it, like he was disgusted with everything. It was hard to find soap, Chenle scrubbed and scrubbed at his skin every day but water didn't make him feel clean. He looked down at his grimy hands, dirt trapped in the creases in his skin and Chenle was miserable.

Yukhei, Jisung, and Sicheng were nowhere to be found. Chenle would've thought something was wrong, but Yuta didn't seem worried about it. Donghyuck still hadn't returned after he walked out a few nights back. Chenle and Sicheng went out to look for him, but after staying out most of the day and having several near death experiences, they returned without finding anything.

"They'll be back later."

"But I'm bored," Chenle complained loudly into the cushions. "I miss Jisungie!"

"Jesus Christ, kid, it's only been twenty minutes!"

"Oh, shut up, you're the one who can't keep his hands of Sicheng hy-"

"Actually, it's the other way around now."

"Like that makes a difference."

It didn't at all. Yuta and Sicheng weren't slick, and Chenle wasn't stupid. Sure, maybe a year ago he was a little (lot) naive, a little (lot) clueless. He didn't understand what was going on and why he was suddenly living in Target with Taeyong taking care of him instead of his own parents. He though it was a fun sleepover, that lasted a really long time (he was dense). And, it wasn't so fun, after Jisung was too sick to play with him anymore. Chenle figured out pretty soon though, after sneaking around and listening to Doyoung and Yuta's conversation about the end of the world, and that they didn't expect Jisung to make it through the night.

But he did, and thank god and whoever else that he was healthy again. As awful as it sounded, Chenle would rather Jisung be the only one left than have everyone survive except for Jisung. Not that he wanted everyone to die, because he definitely didn't.

Chenle wasn't a baby, he was sixteen. He knew what Sicheng and Yuta were up to.

"Do you know what today is?" Yuta asked.

Chenle shook his head, and Yuta shrugged. Chenle waited for him to continue, but he didn't say anything.

"You can't just _not_ tell me." Chenle said, and narrowed his eyes.  He hadn't known the date in ages. His perception of time wasn't the best, especially now.

"Watch me."

The two sat in silence for a while. Chenle sighing dramatically and changing position, only to sigh a few minutes later and move again. He was restless, he hadn't been without Jisung for this long in forever.

At least a few years ago he knew that Jisung was safe at home with his parents. Now, danger was the only thing on his mind. Mobs, sun poisoning, heatstroke, lyme disease (don't laugh, the insect population has increased drastically, they were a perfectly rational fear), rabid animals, dehydration, car accident, rattlesnakes (Chenle wasn't sure how they got here but they sure found a way, those sneaky bastards), bees (Jisung was deathly allergic), government officials...that wasn't likely but still, Chenle worried.

With most of the world's population wiped out, countries were trying to rebuild and take over as much as they can. Now that the United States was weakened, and Germany seemed to be the strongest country at the moment, having the least casualties, the rest of the world was scrambling to gain power, be the world's greatest. The thought of a World War III scared Chenle far less than it should, but maybe that's because he couldn't get it into his head that it was a real possibility.

Just as Chenle was about to sigh again, this time as dramatically as possible, the door opened. It could've been Chenle's best sigh yet but now we'll never know.

Yukhei burst in with a wide grin, singing 'happy birthday' as loud as he could. And Yukhei could get _very_ loud. Chenle looked over at Yuta, wondering if it was October already. But Yuta joined Yukhei in the song, and Chenle realized, no, it was November.

Chenle was seventeen.

He stood stood from his spot with a grin once the song was over, and held his arms open for Jisung when he entered behind Sicheng. Jisung ran to him and hugged him tight. "Happy birthday, Lele."

When Jisung pulled back, Sicheng stepped forward, holding out a plastic container. "I made you a cake. Oddly enough, the only thing Taeyong ever showed me how to make."

Chenle removed the lid and peered inside. It was small, but that was perfect. There were many if them, and it looked just enough for all of them. It wasn't anything fancy, the cake was decorated in soft blue frosting with star shaped sprinkles scattered across the top, and a sloppy '17' was written in black icing. He loved it.

"He broke into an old bakery. They still had some ingredients left," Yukhei explained. "While Jisungie and I got your present. "

" _Presents_. " Jisung corrected, and held out the filled burlap sack  that Yukhei had taken earlier.

"You didn't have to get me anything."

"Oh please," Yuta scoffed. "Don't act like that, it's not like they payed for anything."

"He's absolutely right." Yukhei agreed. "Though, I'll admit Jisung did most of the work. I didn't get you nearly as much. "

"I don't care, " Chenle hugged Yukhei. "Thank you guys. I didn't even know it was my birthday."

"Our baby isn't so much of a baby anymore, " Sicheng ruffled his hair. " When's the last time any of us heard his screech?"

"He hasn't  had a reason to laugh. " Yuta said.  Jisung made a face and pointed to himself.

"I can't do it anymore."

"What?"

"I can't make my voice that high anymore, sorry to disappoint."

"What the fuck are we doing here?" Yuta threw up his arms. "That can't be true, we've lost so much already. Our homes, our friends, our sense of security, and now this? It's too much. "

"Dude, chill," Yukhei jabbed an elbow at him. "Kinda sad that I'm the one that has to say that."

"Get out of my house. "

Chenle sat back down where he had been sitting a few short minutes ago, and Jisung excitedly sat down beside him. "I really hope you like it, Chenle," Yukhei said. "It took forever to convince Jisung that he had gotten enough."

Yukhei held out a small, beat up cardboard box that had a few holes and tears in it. There was a picture of a baby in the side, and the word 'Huggies' written in big, bubble letters. He looked up at Yukhei in confusion. "You got me diapers?"

"Open the box, big head."

Chenle unfolded the flaps of the box and peered inside. "Yukhei, you doll," He pulled out several boxes of hair color. Underneath, there was a big tub of bleach powder and creme developer. "It's been so long."

"I missed our blondie," Yukhei shrugged. "Thought you'd look good in green as well. Orange too." He sounded nonchalant, but Chenle could tell he was hiding his pride. Chenle dug through the boxes. There were pinks and yellows and oranges, and sure enough, there were several green shades as well.

"You broke into a salon?"

Sicheng nodded. "It was right across from the bakery I was in, I watched him. He was in there for a while."

"Yeah, I couldn't decide what to get you so I just grabbed everything."

Chenle clapped his hands together excitedly. "Thank you so much, Xuxi." He hugged the older boy tight. He mumbled a, _you're welcome_ , but the words were lost in Chenle's jacket.

"My turn!" Jisung threw the burlap sack at Chenle, hitting him square in the chest and knocking his breath right out of him.

"Holy shit," Chenle groaned, whole Jisung nudged him impatiently. Chenle rubbed his chest before looking inside the bag. "Jisungie," Chenle pulled out a bottle of soap. Inside the bag there were several others, all different colors and scents. There were special holiday scents, like cinnamon and sugar cookies, and summer scents like peach or coconut. Chenle looked down at his filthy hands again and grinned. "I might cry."

"You like it?"

"I love it!"

"I'm so glad, Lele."

"I'm going to have to share with you guys, huh? "

"I got them for you. "

"Yeah, but you guys are pretty gross too. You'll be doing me a favor."

"I got you something else," Jisung said softly, reaching into his own bag. "I didn't put it in there with the soap because I didn't want you to grab it the wrong way and hurt yourself. "

Yukhei's eyes widened. "Jisung, I swear if it's the- oh wow. It is."

Chenle gasped. "A knife!"

"A dagger, actua-"

"No!" Sicheng sounded panicked. "Jisung, that's dangerous! "

"And so is everything out there!" He gestured towards the door. "He doesn't leave much, but if something happens, I don't want him armed with a _butter knife_."

"Yeah, babe, I got a whole collection, and you don't seem to care. "

"I can't keep you from doing anything," Sicheng glared at Yuta and Yukhei. "I don't think think he should have that."

"Alright, well as the oldest one here, I say that Chenle can keep it."

"And as the only _smart_ one, I say he can't. "

"Sicheng," Yuta shook his head. "You can't baby him forever."

"Can too. "

Yukhei opened the desk drawer to his right, where he kept all the things he had stolen. He pulled out a jagged, rusty knife that looked like even the slightest touch would cause one to contract tetanus. "If you take Jisung's present away, I'll be giving him this instead."

"Fuck you," Sicheng hissed. "I've already lost Jeno and Donghyuck, I'm trying to keep what's left of my family together."

Yukhei grabbed Sicheng by the arms and pulled him close, their noses only inches apart. Yuta jumped up and pulled Yukhei back, but he shoved him away and grabbed Sicheng again. "And what if something happens? He's going to be defenseless, easy meat for anyone out there. Donghyuck walked out on his own free will, that's not your fault. The only way to keep everyone safe is to make sure they're prepared," Yukhei loosened his grip when Sicheng whimpered. He looked down apologetically, and let go. Yuta pulled Sicheng against his chest, glaring hard at Yukhei before planting soft kisses into Sicheng's hair. Yukhei lowered his voice. "I know you want to protect them but this is the only way. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," His voice trembled, barely above a whisper. "I understand."

Yuta let go of Sicheng and stepped towards Yukhei. Yuta shoved him back. "Don't you _ever_ touch him like that again."

"Don't fucking push me," Yukhei's expression went dark. "Now, I didn't mean to hurt him but he was being real stupid."

"Don't call him stupid, he's not-"

"What else am I supposed to say?!" Yukhei shouted, backing away from Yuta, who kept  advancing on him. "Your fucking boyfriend is going to get someone killed! And you're only protecting him because he sucks you off every god damn night!"

"I'm protecting him because you're being an assh-"

"He can protect himself!"

Chenle sunk back into the couch and pulled his knees up off the ground. He leaned against Jisung, and the two sat in silence. Sicheng glanced at the two, then back at Yuta and Yukhei.

Sicheng still held the dagger in his hands. He turned the blade over in his hands, running his fingers over the jewel encrusted handle. He held it out towards Chenle. "Happy birthday."

Chenle blinked. He reached up and took it in his hands. "Thank you."

"-trying to be just like Taeyong!"

"He's not trying to be anyone! "

"He is! You know he is! He survived, Yuta, he gets to live! Taeyong didn't, Jaemin didn't, Doyoung, Ten, Johnny, Jaehyun, Taeil, Kun, Renjun, and Mark didn't!"

Jisung squeezed Chenle's arm, and whispered, " _Renjun's dead?"_ Jisung's eyes were wide. Chenle furrowed his brows. Renjun was one of the first to go, he was sure Jisung knew. How didn't he notice?

Yuta's voice was soft when he finally spoke again. "And Jungwoo?"

Yukhei's expression softened at the mention of his boyfriend's name. "Jungwoo got to live," He said softly. "I made sure of that."

"All this is about Jungwoo, isn't it?"

Yukhei bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling. "Everything's about Jungwoo," The room fell silent. Yuta looked guilty, his fist unclenching at his sides. Sicheng looked away from them, and turned his attention towards gathering up Chenle's presents and moving them to Chenle's bedroom (which was a closet with several blankets on the floor).

"You don't know what it's like," Yukhei turned back to Yuta. "You're lucky, you still have _him_ ," He pointed over to Sicheng. "Jeno lost Jaemin, those two were _perfect._ And...and Hyuck lost his entire world, that's why he left, that's why he ran out."

"You're right, I don't know." Yuta nodded slowly. "And I don't blame you for getting angry okay? Just...how would you feel if I touched Jungwoo like that? "

Yukhei looked off to the side. "I'd want to kill you."

"Exactly. Just try to calm down okay?"

Yukhei nodded. "I'm gonna go outside for a minute."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be up on Chenle's birthday but I've been having a lot of family trouble, so my stress levels are through the roof right now. I'm trying to finish the next chapter within the next couple of days, I apologize 💛


	8. The World Is Spinning And You're Standing Still

Jeno wasn't quite sure what was going on. He didn't say anything when they returned, crossing the bridge over the the small island that sat in the middle of the lake. Skyscrapers stood tall in the horizon, and Jeno started in both admiration and fear. The people he lived with now referred to it as "The City of Sand". It was so hot and dry there, the plants had all died, and the dirt blew around as there was nothing to hold it down. Nobody had ever heard of sandstorms in Seoul until a few months ago.

Jeno was passed around, different people guided him through the streets, and wove him between houses and old shops that were now used as refuge for anyone Hwiyoung allowed in.

Vernon and his sister, Sofia, walked on either side of him. Sofia looked fairly young, maybe fourteen or fifteen? He wasn't too sure. However, the resemblance between the siblings was eerie.

Sofia was cool, Jeno thought. He had shared a room with her, his first night staying until a room had been cleared for him. She had shared his game boy with Jeno. Yup, Jeno liked her a lot. Maybe even more than Hansol.

"What's going on?"

Vernon  glanced at his sister on the opposite side of Jeno. "You scared?" He asked, his soft, low voice never ceased to surprise Jeno.

"Should I be?"

"I think so," Sofia said, removing and repositioning her barette, which held her overgrown bangs out of her face. "Hwiyoung found a boy this morning. He was pretty cold, we all thought he was dead."

Jeno nodded. Nights were terrible, sometimes it reached tempuratures so cold that being outside for less than an hour could kill. "And?"

"He woke up. He's very... upset. Wait, that's not the right word. He's got a huge attitude for someone who was almost dead, like, an hour ago," Sofia glanced at her brother, then back at Jeno. "He's asking for you."

-

Sofia had split off and went towards the commons area, a large room Jeno would've just called 'the cafeteria', but people here were too fancy for such a general name. Maybe it was because the majority of the people that surrounded him every day were his age (maybe a little younger,  a few older, and a few scattered adults here and there, Hwiyoung included). He didn't know, and he didn't care. He just liked to complain. Jeno thought he deserved to complain, after everything.

Jeno was about to ask Vernon what was going on, tell him to please, please explain because he had lost all patience. But just as he went to turn his head, a figure lying on the ground under a mound of blankets caught his eye. Without a word, Jeno took off running towards him, ignoring Hwiyoung, who stood a few feet away, and many others that he didn't know. He recognized them, sure, but he never cared to learn any of their names.

Jeno placed both hands on either side of Donghyuck's face. The vibrations of his intense shivering spread your Jeno's arms, and he wondered how Donghyuck managed to survive out in the cold. He didn't know how long he was out there, but even with the heating pad beneath him, the wood stove a few feet away, the mountain of blankets, and a hot towel over his forehead, his body still shook violently.

Still, he managed a small smile, peering up at Jeno through half-open eyes. "I knew I could do it," His voice was hoarse. "I knew I could find you. "

Vernon walked over to them, and stood over Jeno silently. "Where are the others? " Jeno asked.

"I'm not doing all that great, thanks for asking." Donghyuck ignored him. Jeno was used to that, though, but this time, he didn't mind. He was just happy to see him. Jeno was surprised, of all people, Donghyuck had found him. Jeno didn't like to think about it, but he hadn't expected Donghyuck to still be around. He figured Mark would've been the last straw, and Jeno didn't have the energy to try and prevent him from doing anything. Back when they still believed that everyone was going to die anyways. It wouldn't have mattered. But now that he knew it would have, all Jeno felt was guilt.

"How did you find me?" Jeno asked, after a few minutes of silence, aside from Donghyuck's clattering teeth. "I go out looking for you guys every day, and I haven't... "

"I followed your smell-"

"Shut up," Jeno smiled and pushed his shoulder. Behind him, Vernon muffled a laugh in his sleeve. Donghyuck grabbed onto his arm and slowly pulled himself up. "For real."

"Luck," He said with a shrug. Jeno reached over and pulled the blankets up over Donghyuck's shoulders. He didn't seem to notice, and if he did, he didn't show it. He continued on, lifting his head up when Jeno went to tuck the blankets in place under his chin. "I'm so sick of all of them pretending like you never left.  They're all convinced you're dead. Jisung is the only one who's even motioned you, and even then, only twice! They're all going insane, Jeno!"

Donghyuck pulled the blankets tighter around himself. Jeno frowned. He had gained a decent amount of weight back, thanks to Hwiyoung and several others for going out and catching enough fish to provide everyone at least one full meal a day. Sometimes, if they were lucky, they'd have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But Donghyuck looked even thinner than the last time Jeno and seen him, if that was even possible. Donghyuck was always a little soft, and seeing him so small and frail really hit Jeno hard. "Sicheng is a mom, Chenle's a germaphobe, Yuta keeps picking fights with Yukhei, who's a kleptomaniac now, apparently, Jisung talks to dead people, it-it's, it's, it's crazy. They're driving me insane."

"So you walked out?"

"Yeah, I mean, I wanted to find you. Make sure you were still normal. "

"Are you sure it wasn't because you missed me?"

"I'm a hundred percent sure. "

The next few hours were filled with Donghyuck complaining. Jeno didn't mind, though he acted irritated, he was happy he finally had one of his friends back. He mentioned Donghyuck taking him back to the others, and he had agreed after a few moments. He didn't seem keen on returning, but that was understandable, Jeno thought, based on what he had been told about the mental stability of a select few of them.

Jisung was genuinely surprised when someone mentioned Renjun's death. Donghyuck told him that Jisung had said, that can't be true, he had just spoken with him that morning.

Jeno wasn't all that surprised. Jisung was still young, and he had already experienced so much in the past year, he had witnessed his friends die right in front of him, over and over again. Jeno would've been amazed if they all turned out perfectly fine, totally free of any trauma. He worried a bit though, Chenle being a clean-freak wasn't exactly harmful, and neither was Sicheng taking Taeyong's previous role. However, Yukhei stealing and causing trouble with mobs would inevitably lead to someone getting seriously hurt, or even killed. Donghyuck had said that Yukhei had already gotten himself stabbed while trying to keep two guys from breaking in after catching Jisung stealing food earlier that day.

After Jeno started freaking out loudly asked if he was okay, Donghyuck told him that, yes, Yukhei was fine, and Sicheng had stitched up his side, and what a shame it was that none of his internal organs had been hit.

He didn't want to make any assumptions just yet, as he knew Donghyuck liked to exaggerate, but he'd find out for himself soon enough. 

When Donghyuck told him that they were staying in Johnny and Jaehyun's old studio, as well as the small appartment just above it, he felt like an idiot. Jeno had returned to the Target that they had all stayed at for a month (that was only a few miles away from the studio), that, at the time felt like forever, but now it was only a distant memory. The smell of rotting flesh was stale when he returned, and at that point, he couldn't bring himself to go into the basement, as much as he wanted to visit Jaemin.

Jeno had found a few things that day. Donghyuck's old phone, that had long since lost charge and had been tossed in a corner to be forgotten. Jeno wandered over to the electronics aisle and grabbed a cord for it. He plugged it in when he returned to his room that night, ignoring the strange looks Hansol had thrown at him when he cursed at the phone for having a lock.

Jeno had found some of Jaemin's plushies, the ones that Jeno swore would end up under the bed or tossed in a closet, but never were. Jaemin was true to his word, and slept with all of them. Jeno lost count of the mornings he had woken up with Ryan squished between him and Jaemin. 

He found Jisung's blanket, the one he used to carry with him everywhere, so much so that Taeyong had called him Linus, and much to his disappointment, Jisung didn't know who that was. 

He found Johnny's wallet, which was filled with small pictures of his family, friends, and Ten. While the other pictures were tucked in the pocket that held that money, Ten's picture was displayed where Johnny's ID was supposed to go. 

Stacked on one of the empty shelves were Jungwoo's books, and Jeno shoved them away in his bag along with everything else.

He didn't grab any of the nonperishable foods, because there was enough across the lake. But now, Jeno planned on stopping there with Donghyuck. It was clear that food was a struggle with the others, seeing how small Donghyuck was and hearing of Jisung stealing food and then Yukhei getting stabbed over it.

"He tried to steal a peach," Donghyuck said softly. "That's it. Just a peach. He didn't even get to it, because the kid is going fucking crazy, and was talking to Renjun!"

"Jisung isn't crazy-"

"Yes he is! He's fucking- you know what, you'll see for yourself. Wheres my coat, we're leaving." Donghyuck shoved the blankets off of him and grabbed Vernon's leg. Vernon jumped and looked down in surprise. He had zoned out for most of their conversation, and he hadn't expected to look down and see a small, angry kid trying to crawl up his leg, yet there he was.

Donghyuck tossed the hot towel away from him as Vernon lifted him up the rest of the way of the ground. "Sure you're good to walk, bud?"

"I'm good for anything, bud." Donghyuck spat back, which Jeno didn't think was a very good idea considering Vernon was the only thing keeping Donghyuck from hitting the ground hard.

Over Vernon's shoulder, Jeno could see Hwiyoung walking towards them with a confused expression. His eyes narrowed when he saw Donghyuck standing, already talking about leaving. "Feeling any better?" He said when he reached them, a small smile taking the place of his frown.

Donghyuck looked up at him and nodded. "I mean, I might have hypothermia and I high-key wanna kill myself, but you know, I'm feeling pretty great despite all that."

"That's what I like to hear," Hwiyoung's smile widened and he clapped Vernon on the back. "Its late morning now, so you guys should be fine to leave, I'm sure the sun is as scorching as ever. Jeno, I assume it'll just be you two? "

"Uh, yeah," Jeno glanced at Donghyuck, but he wasn't paying any attention. "We're going home."

Hwiyoung nodded and opened his arms, looking expectantly at Jeno. "I was beginning to worry you'd never find your friends," He said Jeno hugged him. "But one of them found you."

Jeno pulled back and smiled. He was grateful for everything. After all, he would've died if Hwiyoung hadn't taken him in. He didn't have anywhere to stay, the cold would've killed him after a day or two.

Hwiyoung had started his own little family of survivors, and it was only growing. Though Jeno was no longer going to be a part of it, he would always keep them, especially Vernon and Sofia, close to his heart. 

Thank you so much," He said. Hansol held out his fist, and Jeno bumped his own into it. "For everything."

"Good luck, Jeno."

"Tell your sister I said goodbye, okay?"

"Will do. "


	9. Funny Feeling How It All Can Flip

Jisung tried to keep his head still as Chenle painted on the bleach. Chenle's smelled of fresh hair color, as just hours before, he had bleached and colored his hair green. 

"What the heck is the difference between semipermanent and demipermanent hair color?"

"Not much," Chenle dipped his brush back into the blue tinted lightener. He didn't want Jisung's hair to be an ugly yellow. "Semipermanent washes out in a few weeks, or, since we can't really wash all that well, maybe a month or two."

"Okay ..."

"And demipermanent is deposit only."

"What?"

"It darkens hair a lot better than semipermanent haircolor but it won't lighten it."

Jisung set the empty green color tube down in the sink. Chenle shot him a look and threw it away. "It's not that hard to move it a foot to the left, and into the trash can."

"I didn't know if you still needed it!"

"Does Cabbage Boy look like a still needs it?"

Jisung glanced up at Jisung's green hair. "Well, no, but....leave me alone, okay? I'm slow."

Chenle let out a loud laugh. Jisung frowned at the lack of high-pitched screeching. "Trust me, Jisungie, we all know that," He said as he dug around the box of haircolor from Yukhei. "What color do you want? Or do you want to stay blonde?"

Jisung thought back to middle school, where he spent all three years a platinum blonde, as had Chenle. Jisung loved it, he thought he pulled it off quite well. Then freshman year, Jisung wanted to switch it up a little, and had it colored a light brown. Which was also nice, but he missed the blonde. Seeing his hair now, though it was still plastered flat to his head as the lightener was processing, it was already starting to lighten. He was excited. "I trust you." Jisung finally said with a shrug, and Chenle grinned. He loved the blonde, but he had never had his hair an unnatural color before, unlike Chenle, who had his hair every color of the rainbow at least once, including the green he had currently.

"I think you'd look really nice with blue or orange," Chenle held up a tube of color. " Remember when Jeno had blue hair? It's been, what? Three years? "

"I think so," Jisung smiled at the memory. It wasn't Jeno's idea, he was wholeheartedly against it at first, but he lost a bet against Ten. Everyone knew not to bet against Ten, everyone except Jeno apparently. He learned his lesson pretty quick.

Jisung didn't remember what the bet was about, probably a soccer game or something lame like that.

Jeno ended up liking his light blue hair, though he never recolored it after it faded. After that, his hair was almost white, and after a month or two of that, Jeno begged Chenle to color it black to match his roots. 

"You're not gonna make my hair as light as his was, are you?"

"No, I don't think that would look very good on you," Chenle dodged a punch to the arm. "You'd look weird."

"I'd look hot," Jisung shot back, to which Chenle scoffed. "What?" 

"You are not hot," Chenle laughed at him. Jisung crossed his arms over his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. His hair was stuck flat against his head, coated in a blueish white paste. "You're too cute."

They sat there for another half hour, letting the lightener process on Jisung's head, but that half hour only felt like a few minutes. Jisung bent over the sink, letting Chenle rinse the product off. Jisung held a towel over his eyes and stood there in pure bliss as Chenle massaged his scalp. "I forgot what you looked like with light hair," He said once Jisung stood up and rubbed his hair with the towel. "Cute, like I said." 

Jisung's expression softened. He had fully expected to be made fun of, and was fully prepared to shoot back an equally, if not better insult. Chenle set the empty bowl down and leaned back against the sink. The bathroom was small and cramped, so Jisung didn't have to move much at all to touch him, if he wanted to.

"Jisung?" Chenle started, his voice soft. Jisung looked up at him, and Chenle looked right back. He reached out for Jisung's hands. "Last year, you were really sick."

"Yeah."

"I thought you were going to die."

"Didn't everyone?"

Chenle shrugged. "Probably. But I'm really glad you didn't."

"Ditto."

"I'm trying to be sentimental, here," Jisung winced when Chenle squeezed his hand a little too tight. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I don't know what I'd do with myself if you weren't here."

"Force Yukhei to let you color his hair, probably."

Chenle didn't smile. Jisung felt himself panicking when Chenle's eyes began to well up with tears. What did he say wrong? He was only trying to lighten things up a bit, he didn't think Chenle would actually be upset by it. "Are you crying? I didn't mean- I'm sorry, I don't-"

Chenle laughed softly. "Don't apologize, Jisung. You didn't do anything. It's my fault. "

"What? What's your fault?"Jisung stared in confusion. He wanted an explanation, but Chenle hesitated. He pulled his hands back from Jisung, pushed them into his pockets and looked down at the ground. "Chenle."

Chenle looked up at him once again. "It's my fault that..." A hiccup. "That you...don't make me say it, Jisungie, you know what I mean."

Jisung narrowed his eyes. Chenle looked desperate, staring down at him with wide eyes, but Jisung still had no clue what he meant. He sat there for a few minutes, which felt much longer than that, and Chenle groaned.

Jisung thought back to the time that he had accidentally sliced Chenle's cheek open with his long (talons) nails, back when he refused to cut them after years of biting them, and his fingers until they bled, too raw to do anything much at all. Chenle hadn't been angry at all, despite having to get stitches, and being afraid of needles.

He remembered building the box fort in Target, and Chenle scolding him for tearing pieces away and setting them on fire with a lighter he had found. Jisung still had that lighter, though it no longer worked. Chenle had taken it once, and when Jisung got it back, it had been completely covered in tiny Scooby-Doo stickers.

He remembered how Chenle rarely left his side when he got sick. Jisung never coughed as bad as Sicheng or Jaemin, but there were many instances where his breath got stuck in his chest and he panicked, trying hard to bring in oxygen. After an alarming thirty seconds, he could breathe again. He didn't think anyone could possibly be more scared than he had been in that moment, but seeing Chenle in tears at his side, he knew he was wrong. 

"I'm sorry, I don't understand." Jisung said softly, and Chenle smiled. But it wasn't his usual, bright smile, the one that made Jisung's heart flutter because wow, his best friend was happy, and that made him happy, too. It was fake, something Jisung had never seen from him. His lips quivered, and the smile dropped just as soon as it had appeared. 

Jisung reached out for Chenle's hands again, this time, instead of holding them, he pulled Chenle against him and wrapped his arms around his waist. "I don't know if you're upset because of something I did, but I'll make a list of everything I've done today and I'll try not to do any of them ever again."

He felt Chenle's tears dripping onto his neck, and his hair tickle under his chin. "Jisung, you didn't-" Chenle shook his head and pressed his body against Jisung's. "You make me so mad sometimes."

"Can't you just tell me what I did wrong?"

Jisung clenched his jaw when Chenle didn't respond, but he wasn't about to repeat himself. He wanted to know what the issue was, why Chenle's mood had switched so suddenly, so he could fix it.

Jisung wasn't the type to make a big deal out of small problems (like Ten, Donghyuck, Jungwoo, Yuta, and now Chenle). He never understood why Ten never wanted to tell people why he was mad, and instead, stayed silent and made everyone around him feel just as miserable as he did. It didn't make sense, why would anyone choose to be so counterproductive when it didn't help anyone?

Chenle leaned back at looked at him with flushed cheeks. His eyes kept flicking downwards, then back up, and Jisung was about ask him what he was looking at, if he had something on his face, when shouting from the main room interrupted them. Sicheng's voice echoed throughout the building, and Chenle jumped back in alarm. He and Jisung ran out of the bathroom, expecting something to be very, very wrong.

Maybe Yukhei had been stabbed again, or somehow managed to rip his stitches. That wouldn't have come as much of a surprise to anyone.

Maybe Donghyuck had come back, that would definitely explain Sicheng actually being loud for once. Even when Jisung had come back after being chased by a month, in tears and shaking, he had barely said a word. Which was fine, Jisung liked the quiet comfort that Sicheng gave.

Jisung was half right. 

Donghyuck stood in the doorway grinning, and Sicheng hugged a boy tight to his chest. He was crying, and Yuta stood off to the side with wide eyes. 

Yukhei jumped up and down wildly, yelling phrases that Jisung couldn't quiet understand, but he didn't need to. The wide smile and shining eyes told him everything.

Jisung stared at the boy in Sicheng's arms, until he finally let go and planted kisses on both of his cheeks. The boy turned around, and Jisung froze. His heart pounded in his chest as he moved to run at Jeno, then tackled the elder boy in a hug, and knocked them to the ground.

Jisung suddenly stopped and narrowed his eyes. He sat up and glared at Jeno, who lay pinned beneath him, and totally helpless when Jisung started bringing his fists down on his chest. "Where," a punch "the fuck" another punch "did you go?! You can't just disappear like that and show up smiling like nothing is wrong, Jeno!"

Jeno didn't seem to care that Jisung started screaming at him, and though he rubbed his chest where Jisung had hit him, he didn't seem to care about that either.

"Stop it, stop smiling!"

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"I'm just happy I'm here. "

"Oh my god-" Donghyuck pointed a finger in his mouth and made a vomiting sound. "We get it, happy reunion, all of Sicheng's uwu's fell out. Yay! Enough with the emotional crap."

Jisung felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned, expecting it to be Chenle, but it wasn't. Just Sicheng. Jisung looked over his shoulder, looking for Chenle. He found him across the room, standing with Yuta, whispering something to him. Yuta looked down at him with a frown. He locked eyes with Jisung before quickly looking away. 

Jisung felt heat rising in his cheeks. He wasn't sure if he was angry or not, maybe not quite yet but definitely getting there. Between Chenle acting strange and Jeno and Donghyuck returning, he was a mess of emotions and to be honest, all he wanted to do was break stuff.

Looking over at Yukhei, who was now happily chatting with Jeno, he decided to ask him to go for a walk. Yukhei would be all for breaking things with Jisung, though for recreational purposes unlike him, who only wanted to let off steam. 

Jisung was right, and twenty minutes later, he was destroying an antique shop a few blocks away from the studio. Yukhei joined in a for a few minutes, smashing some fancy looking teacups and plates, but he after a while, he seemed to have had enough, and leaned against the wall to wait for Jisung. But Jisung was busy throwing the ceramics off the tables and display shelves, then pounding his fists down on them to break them off the walls. Yukhei furrowed his brows and watched, concerned, but not enough to step in quite yet.

Sharp pain flowed through Jisung's hands, all the way up his arms, but he didn't care. The more he brought them down on the tables, the less they hurt. After a while, he didn't feel anything. He was totally numb to it all, seeing nothing but red as he made his way through the shop.

With every shatter and smashing of teapots, cups, plates, figurines, Jisung felt more and more powerful, his anger hadn't faded nor grown, but still, he felt great.

Jisung went to bring his fists down on the broken plates in front of him, but Yukhei grabbed his wrists. "Dude, chill!" Yukhei sounded breathless. Jisung's chest heaved as he looked around him. Ceramic chunks littered the floor, and some if them were sticking out of his hand. He wasn't sure when that had happened, or if it was even from one thing in particular, or just built up from everything. 

Blood oozed down his arms, and over Yukhei's fingers. It didn't look serious enough to require immediate medical attention, but he knew Sicheng would fuss over him the second he walked through the door, and Jisung really hated hydrogen peroxide. 

"Hold Sicheng back when we get there, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Yukhei scoffed. "He may be scrawny but he'd crush me to get to you."

" I know. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays everyone!


	10. In My Head I Can Sleep When I'm Dead

"Do you think it's a good idea to give this back to him?" 

Sicheng turned Donghyuck's phone over in his hands. Jeno had brought it to him along with the charger, asking if he could charge it. Sicheng plugged it in, one of the few working outlets was in his and Yuta's room.

Yuta hummed lowly. He lay down beside Sicheng, hugging the boy's arm. His eyes were closed and his breaths were shallow, but Sicheng knew he wasn't asleep. Yuta hadn't been sleeping much at all the past few weeks. Sicheng was worried about him, but then again, he was worried about everybody. Yuta was far better off then quite a few of them. 

Sicheng set stared at Donghyuck's lockscreen, Mark mid-laugh with Donghyuck kissing his cheek. Sicheng felt a pang in his chest. He hadn't thought of Mark for. . .well, he wasn't sure how long. He felt guilty, but still the same time, he tried to focus on the boys who were still here. He needed to make sure they were all okay. He felt tears well up in his eyes at he set the phone down, and he brought his hands up to cover his face.

"Sicheng," Yuta lifted his head when he heard his boyfriend sniffling. "What's the matter?"

No response from Sicheng, but he hadn't really expected one. He hugged the boy against his chest and began to run his fingers through his hair.

Yuta pried the phone out of Sicheng's fingers. "Hey," he said. He sat up and put it on the other side of him. "We'll give this to Donghyuck later. Right now, you need to sleep."

"So do you," Sicheng aggressively rubbed his eyes with his fists and looked over at his boyfriend with a judgemental stare. "You've got some luggage, too."

"Sicheng, baby," Yuta pinched his cheek. "You look like you've been punched in both eyes. You really must've pissed somebody off."

"I'm not a baby," Sicheng stood up from the bed, pulling his arm out of Yuta's grip. "I'm going to see if Donghyuck is awake. If not, I'll be back."

He reached over Yuta and picked up the phone. He felt Yuta's eyes on his back as he left.

The floor boards creaked with every step, but he wasn't too worried about it. By now, they were all used to it, and some of them- Yukhei and Jeno- could sleep through anything. Sicheng remembered trying to shake them awake once, blasting music in their ears, slamming doors, banging pans, the alarm clock on the loudest, most annoying setting, but the only response Sicheng got was a groan, before they turned to face the other direction. Sicheng eventually just had Jisung jump on them until they got up. 

Now, Yukhei had been really good about waking himself up early. He liked to take Jisung out to scavenge with him, and though Sicheng worried about the dangers of the outside world, he had to admit, after the fight a few nights ago, he didn't argue so much about it. Jisung needed experience in these dangerous situations, and Sicheng trusted Yukhei more than anyone else to get Jisung home safe every night. And if, God forbid, anything were to happen to Yukhei, somebody had to go outside and gather food, weapons, basic living necessities.

Yuta definitely knew how to defend himself, if it ever came to that, but Sicheng didn't want him going out all the time the way the other two did. Yuta was impulsive, and he'd get himself into dangerous situations left and right. And Sicheng liked his boyfriend alive rather than dead in an alley somewhere.

Sicheng would rather they all avoided death, but hey, he couldn't have everything.

He stopped in the doorway of the living room. Most of them shared rooms. Yuta and Sicheng were in a tiny room that was previously used to store equipment for the studio. There were microphones, speaker systems, audio mixers, pop filters, headsets and amplifiers. Sicheng Chenle cleared out the room when Yuta took Donghyuck for a drive when they first moved in. Chenle and Jisung shared a closet, win which they covered the floor in fluffy quilts, blankets, and several throw pillows, as well as couch cushions Chenle had sewn together as a mattress. Yukhei had his own room, and Donghyuck slept where Johnny and Jaehyun used to do their podcasts, until he returned with Jeno. Jeno now shared a room with Yukhei, and Donghyuck slept alone. 

Sicheng leaned his head against the moulding. Donghyuck lie asleep on the couch, curled up under several heavy looking blankets. He looked peaceful, for the first time in a long time. His lips parted slightly as he let out soft breaths in a short puff, and every once in a while, his nose would scrunch up. Sicheng felt his chest swell with affection. He silently made his way across the room before stopping in front of the sleeping boy. He bent over and pressed a kiss to his cheek, before pulling the blankets up to his neck. The room was freezing. Even just standing there, Sicheng's body began to shake.

Just as Sicheng was about to head back to his room, a loud crash sounded from across the room. Jisung and Chenle's closet door burst open, and Chenle stumbled out. He fell to the floor, but quickly pushed himself back up and ran straight into Sicheng.

"Chenle, what-"

"Jisung's freaking out, I-I don't"

Loud yelling cut him off. Through the open door, Sicheng could see Jisung thrashing around n his sleep, shouting that was too hysterical for Sicheng to make out. Sicheng ran towards him, getting kicked several times before he managed to get close enough to pin the boy down. Jeno appeared behind him, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes before kneeling down to help Sicheng hold Jisung down.

Sicheng hadn't noticed how much Jisung had grown over the past year. He was no longer the tiny little boy they all used to coo over and pinch his cheeks. He was taller than Sicheng now, and much broader. Sicheng was having a hard time holding him down, until Jeno appeared. Behind him, he heard footsteps running down the hallway, and Donghyuck grumbling from the couch.

Beneath him, Jisung continued to thrash, kicking and throwing his arms out at the two holding him down. His eyes were screwed shut, but his face was red and splotchy as tears streamed down his cheeks.

"I can't- I can't. . ." his chest heaved and his eyes flew open. He stopped kicking and struggled to push Sicheng and Jeno off of him. Jeno reluctantly sat back on his knees, and Sicheng guided Jisung into a sitting position and rubbed his back as he choked on the phlegm built up in his throat. "Where'd Renjun go?"

Jeno looked over his shoulder and locked eyes with Donghyuck. Sicheng hadn't realized he had already gotten up.

Jisung reached out and grabbed Jeno's arm. "Where did Renjun go?" His voice was suddenly harsh. "Answer me!"

"Jisung, he isn't here." Jeno said softly.

"He was just in here, don't. . ." Jisung looked around, his eyes lingering on Chenle, who stood behind Yuta, holding onto the back of his shirt as he stared back at Jisung. "He's hiding, he think this is funny! H-he's trying to make me look crazy, I'm not crazy-"

Saliva flew from his mouth as he shouted, struggling against Jeno's grip as he tried to stand. His face was bright red, and his eyes were full of rage. And for the first time in his life, Sicheng was afraid of him.

"Jisung, you need to calm down!" Jeno threw his shoulder into Jisung's chest, knocking him back down onto the mattress.

"No! You need to calm up!  You need to get agitated! You need to get on my level!"

"Renjun is dead!" Jeno yelled back at him. Jisung went still. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath. Jeno was still on top of him, and he looked like he was debating whether or not it was safe to move. Jisung's eyes flicked around the room, before locking eyes with Sicheng.

"Renjun is dead?" he said softly. "He's not dead, I just. . .oh my gosh, he's dead. I'm crazy. I'm actually crazy, I'm. . ." 

Jisung trailed off and looked down at his hands. Sicheng hadn't noticed until now, but they were all bitten and bloody, just like they used to be back when Jisung was a little kid.

He ran his fingers through his sweat-soaked hair, pushing it back from his face. "Sicheng, your hair," he said when he looked back up.

"What?"

"You've got. . .that wasn't there earlier, was it?"

"No, it was," Yuta said when Sicheng turned to face him. Sicheng got up to find the mirror that leaned against the wall in the corner of the room. "I just didn't want to say anything, because he'd-"

"What the fuck is this? " Sicheng shrieked, touching the chunk of hair that was right in the front of his head where everyone could clearly see the silvery grey streak.

"-freak out." Yuta finished.

"I'm not old!"

"Stress causes grey hair," Jeno said.

Chenle laughed bitterly. "That's pretty obvious then, isn't it? Donghyuck goes missing, Yukhei almost dies all the time, Jisung is going absolutely insane-"

"Huh?"

"Not now, Chenle," Sicheng said softly. "Let's all just go back to bed, okay?"

"We're seriously not going to talk about this?" Yukhei's eyes widened. He ignored Jeno, who started pushing him back in the direction of their room.

"Yes, we are," Sicheng called back. "But now isn't the time. We're all exhausted, let's just wait."

Yukhei shook his head and scoffed. "Nah, man." He said, and shrugged Jeno's hand off his shoulder.

Donghyuck was already curled back up on the couch. Chenle let go of Yuta and headed back to the closet and sat down next to Jisung. Jisung still shook, but he let Chenle lean against him. They just sat there, but Sicheng decided to give them privacy. He took Yuta's hand and turned away from them.

"I can't believe you didn't tell me I was going grey." Sicheng said once they made it back to their room. He sat down on the bed and looked up at Yuta.

"You're just stressed," Yuta said. "It's only that piece in the front,  it shouldn'tworse, as long as they all behave."

"Yeah, okay," Sicheng scoffed. "Like that'll happen."

"You're right," Yuta smirked. "I think you look hot."

"You always do."

"Right, again. You know. . ." Yuta knelt down in front of him. He spread Sicheng legs and pushed himself between. He wrapped his arms around Sicheng's lower waist and pulled him forward. "I can help you relax, if you want."

"Yeah?" Sicheng's voice was suddenly almost non-existent.

"Yeah."


	11. Let's Trash Our Whole Afternoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italicized dialogue is spoken in Chinese

Chenle sat outside in the alley.

He knew Sicheng didn't like him outside, but he hadn't noticed yet, and Chenle was curious as to how long it would take him. He didn't think he had much time before Sicheng rushed out to find him just sitting there, playing tic-tac-toe with himself in the dirt.

His eyes kept flicking up to the stacks of crates on the other side of the alley. Dried blood splattered over them. He wondered how long it'll be until it finally rained and washed everything away. Chenle couldn't remember the last time it rained. The sun scorched the earth, leaving the once green land bare and empty.

With every short gust of wind, sand blew in his eyes. By now, Chenle was used to it. The sting slowly faded away the longer he sat there.

The wind did nothing to help with the heat though. He felt like he was being blasted with a hair dryer on the highest heat setting.

His warped reflection stared back at him through a large metal cap every time he looked up. He went months without seeing his own reflection, and now, he didn't recognize himself. He had lost the baby fat on his cheeks. He had sharp cheeks bones and a strong jawline. He looked older, more mature. Chenle wasn't sure how he felt about that.

He felt like he was forced to grow up. He wondered how much he would have changed if the supposed "end of the world" had never happened.

He was sure how he would be, how Jisung would be.

Suddenly, the thought of Yuta and Taeil debating about to climate change. Chenle remembered Yuta shouting about a carbon tax being the _only_ viable solution.

Chenle almost found some humor in it, Yuta's passion for the environment. Yuta was very strange, in Chenle's opinion. A Japanese exchange student in highschool who was given a full scholarship for soccer, yet he majored in Environmental Science. Sicheng once told Chenle that Yuta had only been an Environmental Engineer for a year when everything went to hell.

There he was, working to improve the world, busting his ass day and night for this, and none of it mattered. It was already too late. Everything Yuta had loved about the world was dead, shriveled up and decaying, leaving nothing but dry, barren land all over the world.

Chenle narrowed his eyes and looked up. Soft and quick footsteps were making their way down the alley. Too far away for Chenle to see the source just yet, but they seemed to be in a hurry, He scrambled to his feet and shoved himself between a dumpster and crates that were pushed up against a building.

The footsteps grew louder, and they seemed to be slowing down. Chenle took shallow breaths, pressing his body against the hot metal. His skin was burning through his thin T-shirt, but he didn't dare move. Not that he had much room to move anyway.

Chenle stared at the stone wall across the alley, waiting for whoever was there to pass, but they never did. Minutes went by, and the footsteps had slowly came to a stop.

Just as Chenle was about to peek out, a boy was suddenly hunched over right in front of him. He didn't notice Chenle at first. He was bent over with his hands on his knees and sweat dripping down his face. His sweat-soaked shirt clung to his thin body. He stood there with his eyes closed for a while, before he finally stood up straight and looked around. Then his eyes settled on Chenle.

Neither of them moved. They stared at each other for a few moments, Chenle's heart hammered in his chest. He was trapped. How stupid was he to corner himself? All he could think about was Yukhei killing those two men, while getting himself stabbed in the process. Chenle knew he wouldn't be that lucky, if he were in the same situation.

" _You're hiding?_ " The boy said softly, and Chenle guessed he was talking to himself. But it was in Chinese, but the boy didn't know that Chenle wasn't Korean.

" _Yeah, um_..." Chenle said, and the boy looked startled. He hadn't expected Chenle to respond, let alone understand him. " _What are you doing here? Why were you running?_ "

" _Mobs were chasing me and two of my friends_ ," the boy said. He lifted his shirt and used it to wipe the sweat off his face. " _We all split down different alleys_. _I don't think they saw me turn down here, they would've been here by now_."

The boy looked over his shoulder, then sat down in the dirt. " _What's your name?_ "

Chenle opened his mouth, but wasn't sure if he should say anything.

"Don't _trust me? Makes sense, I guess_." He said was a small smile, eyes squinting because of the sun. " _I'm_ _Yangyang_ _._ "

Chenle began to pull himself out of his hiding spot. " _Hi_ ," he said when he finally managed to free himself. Now that he was closer to the boy, he could see how young he looked. Older than Chenle, but not by much.

" _What are you doing out here then? It's so hot, you can't just be sitting here unless you've got somewhere to go close by."_

Chenle shrugged. He absentmindedly drew shapes in the dirt while studying Yangyang. He seemed harmless enough, he didn't seem to be carrying anything that could be used as a weapon, but Chenle learned from Jisung that one could improvise.

" _That's none of your business_ ," Chenle said, his eyes narrowing as he glared up at the other. " _You should leave_."

"No," Yangyang said, looking over his shoulder in the direction he had come. " _I need to make sure they aren't still out there_."

" _So you're going to sit here and wait for them to come find you?_ " Chenle tilted his head in confusion. " _Smart_."

Yangyang but the inside of his cheek. " _I mean... What else can I do?"_

Chenle shook his head. He started to doubt that Yangyang was a threat to him, aside from the fact that he may have unintentionally led a mob to his home.

Chenle stood up and slid the crates away from the main entrance. He felt Yangyang watching him as he pulled the door open. He looked over his shoulder and said, " _I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere._ "

Chenle closed the door behind him before Yangyang could say a word. Sicheng knelt beside the couch, cleaning Yukhei's stitches and redressing the wound. Yukhei was, for once, silent. He looked lost in thought, chewing his bottom lip whilst staring at the ceiling.

"Sicheng?" Chenle said.

Sicheng didn't answer. Chenle didn't think he had heard him. He was focused on Yukhei, but Yukhei turned his head towards him.

Yuta spoke first. Chenle hadn't noticed him going through supplies at the desk in the corner of the room. "What's up?"

"I was outside-"

"Chenle, I swear to god," Sicheng muttered under his breath.

"... and this boy ran over. I hid, but he saw me, and we started talking because you know, he didn't try to kill me, and-"

"God damn it, Chenle," Sicheng said. He finished putting a clean bandage over Yukhei's wound and stood up. "I told you not to talk to random people on the streets, hell, you should've come right inside before he even saw you."

"Yeah, whatever," Chenle wasn't paying attention. "He was being chased and his friends went in different directions, and now he's alone."

"What do you want us to do?" Yuta asked. He walked away from the desk and stood behind Sicheng, slowly wrapping his arms around his waist.

"God, that's disgusting," Chenle curled his lip and the pair. Yukhei laughed. "I want him to stay here. Or at least help him find his friends."

Sicheng sighed. "Chenle-"

"Oh, _come_ _on_ ," Chenle said, exasperated. "He's just a kid. I mean, I think he's probably older than me but he's definitely not an adult. Which means...you guessed it, poor decision making. I mean, duh. Teenagers, am I right?"

Silence.

"We can't just leave him out there all alone."

Sicheng looked at Yuta. Yuta shrugged and looked over at Yukhei. Yukhei stood up and walked over. "I'll take Jeno with me and we'll try and find this guys friends."

"I'll go too," Yuta said, heading back over to the desk and pulling a few knives out of a drawer.

"Grab my gun for me, will you?" Yukhei said as he grabbed his jacket. It was scorching hot but they needed all the protection from the sun that they could get. "You know, the one I shot that guy with in that epic battle I had the other night?"

Sicheng raised an eyebrow. "The one where you got stabbed?"

"That's the one!"

Yuta tossed the gun over Chenle's head and into Yukhei's hands, which Chenle didn't think was very safe. But then again, look at what was going on outside.

Yuta turned and pushed open the door with a loud creak and stepped outside. Chenle heard Yanyang's voice, and Yuta reply, "Sorry, bud, I don't speak Chinese."

"Korean?"

"Unless you know Japanese, Korean is fine."

Chenle and Yukhei followed Yuta outside. Yukhei clapped Yangyang on the back. " _Chinese. Let's piss him off_."

Yangyang smirked. " _Okay,_ " he turned to look at Chenle. " _You still haven't told me your name."_

 _"It's Chenle,"_ Chenle said after a moments hesitation. " _That's Yukhei, and over there is Yuta."_

"Alright, fuck you guys." Yuta made a face at Yukhei, before marching ahead. "You coming or what?"

Yangyang was quick to follow, leaving Yukhei and Chenle to stare after them. "Here, kid," Yukhei reached into his bag and pulled out the knife Jisung had given him for his birthday.

Jeno finally emerged from the studio, wearing a backpack.

"Thanks," Chenle said. Yukhei put a hand on his shoulder, and pushed him forward, gesturing for Jeno to follow. 

"Please don't get yourselves killed" Yuta said over his shoulder. "Sicheng'll never let me hear the end of it."


	12. The Higher You Get the Lower I'll Sink

Jisung woke a second time.

This time it was early afternoon. He wondered how he had slept this late, and why no one had woken him up. Usually Sicheng would prod him gently and tell him to eat.

Jisung wandered around the quiet studio. Donghyuck was no longer on the couch. There was no sign of Chenle or Donghyucl or Sicheng or Yuta or Jeno, and he couldn't hear Yukhei. The whole place was silent, aside from the sound of his own footsteps.

The studio seemed to take on an eerie vibe. Jisung's head was pounding and the sound of his own breathing was beginning to irritate him. His footsteps now seemed ubiquitous. His hair stood up on the back of his neck and he froze in place.

Sitting at the desk in front of him, the one where Yukhei sat and sorted out their finds from when he and Jisung would go out scavenging, was Renjun.

Renjun sat with one leg crossed over the other. His hands were folded on the desk, and he looked up at Jisung like he had been waiting.

He smiled. "You've grown up."

Jisung blinked. "You're. . . you're dead."

Renjun furrowed his brows. "Well I'm here, aren't I? I can't be here if I'm dead."

Jisung looked around the room for any indication that he was dreaming. Everything looked perfectly normal, and with the same amount of detail it held when he was awake. 

He looked back at Renjun. He looked different. His face was slimmer, his jawline sharper. His eyes seemed shone brightly in the sunlight that seeped through the boarded up windows. His hair was dark brown instead of blonde, as it was the last time Jisung had seen him. His skin was dark and glowing, his cheeks twinged with red. He looked alive, better than ever. His shoulder were broad, and when he stood, he was slightly taller. Not by much, but Jisung wasn't about to point that out just yet. 

Jisung swallowed hard. He suddenly remembered the crush he used to have on Renjun a couple years ago.

Jisung was in grade seven, and Renjun was in grade nine. Renjun wasn't the best looking kid, but in Jisung's eyes, he was everything. Jisung used to gush over him to Chenle all the time, and Chenle would just smile and tease him.

Back them, Renjun had crooked teeth and acne, choppy, unkept, bright red hair, and wore the ugliest sweaters. Thinking back on it, he almost laughed. But Jisung's crush developed when he stayed after school to work on an extra credit assignment for art class, and Renjun was finishing up his own painting for the art show. After that, Jisung stayed after every Tuesday just to see Renjun. 

His crush was short lived, though. A few months passed, and Jisung had already forgotten all about Renjun until Chenle befriended him and the two bonded over being foreigners and sharing a mutual irritation of Jaemin and Jeno's lovey-dovey grossness. And when Jisung got to know Renjun, he couldn't imagine ever actually being with him. Renjun was a great friend, but Jisung would rather cut out his own tongue than date him. Plus, he was pretty sure Renjun was aromantic. He never asked.

"If you aren't dead, then where the fuck have you been?"

"Around," He said. Renjun stepped around Jisung and looked through two of the boards on the window. "Where is everyone? I really miss Jaemin, where is he?"

Jisung shifted his weight nervously. "He's not here right now. I don't know where anyone is." 

Renjun didn't seem to be listening. His eyes narrowed as he continued to stare outside. Suddenly, he pulled away from the window and spun around to face Jisung. "Who's that outside?"

Jisung shuffled forward and took Renjun's place at the window and looked out. Outside, Jeno stood with three strangers. Jisung's heart raced in his chest as he stared.

"Mobs," Renjun hissed in his ear. "Jeno's unarmed."

"But. . . they're just standing there," Jisung said. "I don't think-"

"Don't trust anyone, Jisung," Renjun walked back over to Yukhei's desk and pulled a long wire out of one of the drawers. "Don't worry. I'll take care of it."

"What? Renjun, wait-" Jisung sprinted after him. Renjun pushed the door open, but Jeno didn't seem to notice him. Jeno locked eyes with Jisung and tilted his head in confusion. 

Renjun had been "dead" for over a year, and Jeno didn't find that strange? He didn't even look at Renjun as he marched towards the group. Jisung quickly followed, but before Jisung could say anything, Renjun lunged towards the closest stranger and tugged the wire around his neck.

Jisung grabbed Renjun and tried to pull him back. He reached around and tried to work his fingers into Renjun's hand, straining to loosen his grip on the wire. 

As Jisung struggled, Jeno ran over and grabbed him. Jisung could see him telling but all he heard was ringing in his ears, like someone had shot a gun on either side of his head.

Jeno tried to pull him back, but Jisung refused to let go of Renjun. He could just let Renjun kill a (presumably) innocent man. He felt blood dribbling down on to his hands, creating a sticky mess. Jisung's stomach churned, but he only squeezed Renjun's hands harder. At this point, he didn't care if he broke Renjun's hands, he just wanted to make him let go. 

The stranger was struggling, arms reaching behind him to try and hit Renjun anywhere he could reach, but nothing phased him. Renjun didn't budge. The stranger choked and spluttered, moving his hands away from Renjun and instead, up to the wire that was slowly sinking into his skin.

"Jisung, stop!" Jeno shouted, giving up on pulling him off Renjun, and instead, he shoved his elbow into Jisung's spine. Jisung fell to the ground.

The stranger hit the ground just after Jisung did. Jeno grabbed Jisung by his arms and dragged him away from the stranger struggling to catch his breath on the ground.

Jisung looked around wildly. Yuta and Yukhei must have just arrived, as they were out of breath like they had run back from somewhere. Sicheng stood in the doorway, which Jisung found strange -he could have sworn the studio was empty before- Donghyuck stood a few feet away from him, and the two other strangers knelt beside the third. Chenle appeared from behind Yuta and stared at Jisung. His eyes were wide with fear, tears threatening to spill over.

Jisung forced himself to look away from Chenle, and instead, down at his hands. His heart nearly stopped. His breathing hitched and he suddenly felt like he was about to be sick.

In them, he clutched the bloody wire, and Renjun was nowhere to be found.


	13. The Pulse In My Veins

Xiaojun had never wanted to hurt a child before. At least, until he was attacked by one.

He brought his fingers up to the bleeding cut in his neck and looked up at Hendery and Yangyang who knelt beside him. Hendery ripped a piece of fabric from his thin T-shirt and tied it around Xiaojun's neck.

He hissed but let Hendery adjust the makeshift bandage.

Across the alley, the boy who had attacked him stood rigid. Three of the guys that Yangyang had brought with him to find him and Hendery -Xiaojun wasn't good with names- stood around him. The tallest one, a guy with shaggy black hair pulled into a bun with a chunk of grey hair in his bangs pushed the other two guys away.

"Jisung," The guy said softly, taking a step towards the kid. Jisung lunged forward and grabbed one of the two guys who had previously been pushed away. "Jisung, leave Donghyuck alone!"

Donghyuck looked extremely alarmed. Xiaojun guessed it was probably due to how he was almost decapitated or strangled to death. He figured he would've suffocated first, but still. Jisung almost got him in a headlock, but Donghyuck was quickly pulled away from him.

The guy with the grey in his hair pulled Jisung further away from everyone. "Sicheng, get away from him!" The one Yangyang had told him was Japanese, and frustrated with their refusal to speak in any language other than Chinese for the first few hours after they met. Xiaojun forgot his name as well.

Jisung's body suddenly went stiff. His body looked like it was vibrating.  His half-closed eyes shifted away from Donghyuck and he looked at Sicheng with a blank expression. Sweat dripped from his chin. "I'm having a hard time thinking," he said softly. Nobody said a word. "I feel like I'm losing my mind, I don't know what's real."

Sicheng swuinted and looked up at the sky. "It's about noon, you're in Seoul, and your name is Park Jisung-"

"No, I don't care who I am!" Jisung said. He slowly turned to look at Donghyuck with a harsh glare. "Just tell me if he's real."

Jisung's eyes were dark and bloodshot. The bags under his eyes were yellow and swollen. The kid looked like he wouldn't survive a punch to the gut. "Who do you see, Jisung?" Sicheng asked.

Jisung let out a shaky breath. "Renjun. Who do you see?"

Sicheng locked eyes with another guy and shook his head. "Jisung, I don't see anyone." He lied.

"No, he's right there," Jisung's voice raised in octave. He sounded distraught.

"There's no one there-"

"There's no one there, Jisung, there's no one there," He waved his hand at Donghyuck, signalling for him to move away from where Jisung was staring. He moved to stand behind someone else, but Jisung continued to stare at the same spot.

"No, you're lying, please don't lie to me!" He sobbed.

"Huang Renjun is dead, he died last year. You saw him when he was sick-"

"What's wrong with me?"

"Jisung, I want you to. . .Jisung?" Sicheng paused and look at Jisung. Jisung didn't say a word. Sicheng reached towards his face and pulled up on his eyelids. Jisung's eyes were rolled back into his head, and his body began shaking violently where he stood. "He's having a seizure."

"You don't seem too alarmed by that," Hendery spoke up, turning away from Xiaojun for the first time since the attack.

"Trust me, I really want to hurt something right now," Sicheng said calmly. "But it's a mild seizure. He'll be fine, but they're going to keep happening, and each one is going to be worst than the last."

"What. . .what do you mean?" One of the guys asked. He had shiny, surprisingly well kept black hair and a very regal face.

"He needs a doctor."

"You _are_ a doctor."

"Yuta, I can't give him an MRI."

" _You fucking idiot,"_ One of them hissed in Chinese.

Yuta elbowed them in the side. "Shut up, Yukhei."

 _Chenle, Jisung, Donghyuck, Sicheng, Yuta, Yukhei_. Xiaojun said the names over in his head, matching faces with the names and trying to burn them into his mind. There were still a few who remained nameless, but he focused in the names he did know rather than the few he didn't.

"I know someone who can do an MRI," the guy with the shiny black hair said. "There was a hospital on the island in the lake."

"A working hospital?" Yukhei asked. "With real doctors and surgeons and nurses and medicine?"

Shiny hair guy nodded. "I stayed there for a few weeks when I was underweight. I think," he paused and looked at Donghyuck and Sicheng. "I think that could be helpful too."

Sicheng briefly checked his reflection in a wheel cap. He looked extremely disappointed with what he saw. "Yeah," he turned back to Jisung, who was still seizing. "Would you bring us there?"

"I don't have access to it myself," he said, "but I know someone who does."

"Thank you so much, Jeno," Sicheng pulled shiny hair guy into a tight hug.

Next to him, Hendery stood up. Xiaojun tugged his hand for assistance. Hendery apologized softly and pulled him to his feet. "What about my, uh. . ." Xiaojun gestured to his neck. It was still gushing blood, but not quite as badly now that Hendery had wrapped it in a piece of his shirt. He felt sick to his stomach as it settled into his mind how close he had been to death. If that Jisung kid had pulled any harder, he would've had his throat slices right open. He was lucky he only broke the skin.

"I can take care of that myself," Sicheng said. It seemed like he had forgotten Xiaojun was even there.

"He was almost a surgeon." Yuta said proudly.

"Almost?" Xiaojun asked nervously. "No offense, but I'd rather go to a professional."

"He stitches me up all the time," Yukhei lifted his shirt to show the neat and clean stitches across his side. "He's really good. You can barely even feel the thread going in. You'll be fine."

"Is Jisung going to be okay?" A green haired boy peeked out from behind Yuta. "He's just sick, right? He wouldn't ever try to hurt anyone unless he was sick."

Sicheng glanced at Xiaojun. "Right," he gave a brief smile. "He'll be fine, Chenle."

Yuta ruffled Chenle's hair and took a few steps forward. "So what's the plan?"

"I'll take him to Hwiyoung. He has access to the hospital, and Jisung will be able to get proper treatment. Speaking of, Sicheng, you have an idea of what he has, don't you?"

Sicheng shifted uncomfortably. "I do," he said shakily. "But I'm not sure. My guess is Anti-NMDAR Encephalitis. He has all the signs. A fever, hallucinations, seizures, et cetera. But we can't be sure until he has the scan."

The green haired boy, Chenle, stared at Jisung with eyes wide in what Xiaojun could only assume to be fear. Jisung had finally stopped shaking, and was now beginning fall forward. Sicheng caught him and gently lowered him to the ground.

Jisung was conscious, but he barely moved. He held his knees up to his chest and sat there in the dirt silently. His face and hair were dripping with sweat but that was probably just because of the heat. Then again, Sicheng said he had a fever. Xiaojun didn't think it was a good idea to keep him outside in this kind of heat with a fever. He blinked slowly, like it was a struggle to open them every time.

"Come on," Sicheng said. It took Xiaojun a few moments to realize that he was talking to him.

Yuta knelt down beside Jisung. He whispered to him, gaining small answers and shakes of the head before finally, he helped Jisung back to his feet. "Jeno, go ahead and take Jisung. Take someone with you, I don't care who. Make sure to take water."

Jeno nodded, and Xiaojun was pushed forward by Yanyang. He and Hendery followed him inside where Sicheng had disappeared a few seconds earlier. "Sit." Sicheng ordered, and Xiaojun quickly say down on the couch.

Sicheng disappeared for a moment, and when he reappeared around the corner, he had a half-empty bottle of clear liquid. Xiaojun didn't think it was water. He poured some into a glass and handed it to Xiaojun.

"What's this?"

"Vodka. It's a a great disinfectant," Sicheng said. He opened up a black leather case and pulled out a small plastic container. He opened it, and inside there were dozens of sewing needles. He chose one and set it on a rag, then poured some of the vodka over it. "It'll also help with the pain."

Hendery nudged him when he hesitated, and Xiaojun swallowed the vile liquid, careful not to tip his head back and further irritate the wound. He was never a fan of non-fruity alcoholic beverages. Maybe a little cranberry or mango juice would make it bearable.

He gagged, and Yangyang snickered behind him. Sicheng threaded the needle and sat down on the couch next to him. "Lay down and put your head on my thigh. The one closest to you."

Xiaojun had never gotten stitches before. He tried not to pay attention to it, but it was hard. He couldn't help but notice every little movement Sicheng made. After a few minutes, Hendery held his hand, his thumb rubbing over the top in an attempt to distract him. It worked, if only in the slightest bit, but he was grateful nonetheless.

Yangyang cleared his throat. Xiaojun had almost forgot him standing by himself. " _So what's up with that Jisung kid?_ "

" _He's not well,"_ Sicheng said. Next to him, Hendery scoffed. That was something they all knew. " _There used to be eighteen of us, before the sickness came. Jisung was the first to show symptoms, and only one to recover. During that time in between, those who got sick ended up dying fairly quickly. Some of us died without warning. No symptoms. We all lost someone. We all loved each other, but it was much worse for some of us. Yukhei lost Jungwoo, Jeno lost Jaemin, and Donghyuck lost Mark. But Mark didn't die from the sickness. He lived days longer than we expected. There was nothing left of him. He was skin and bones, his eyes were yellow, he could barely move. But somehow he gathered the strength to leave with Ten in the middle of the night to kill himself, just so Donghyuck would never see his body,"_ Sicheng's voice trembled in the beginning, but as he continued, it only grew stronger. Not once did he look up from stitching up Xiaojun's neck.

" _Oh wow. . ."_ Hendery commented softly.

" _Most of us died off. None of us recovered except for Jisung. Even me. I thought I was going to die, and I welcomed it. I'd had enough of the suffering. But now that the end of the world has been delayed once again, these boys need me. I couldn't be there for them when I was on the verge of death, and despite still having the disease, it's not quite as intense as it was. I can hide it pretty well, don't you think?"_ Sicheng looked up and grinned. " _None of them know. Not even Yuta. They all think Jisung and I were their miracles. But the only miracle is Jisung. Or so we thought, until he started mentioning Renjun_  
_He seemed to forget he was dead. He couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Renjun was gone. He said he saw him when he and Yukhei would go out scavenging. He'd see him in passing, and sometimes even have short conversations. I thought maybe it was from stress, or dehydration. He and Yukhei are outside a lot, seems like a reasonable assumption, right? Bug then he started having nightmares. He'd wake us up in screaming fits, he hurt Chenle a few times, because they share a closet for a bedroom. And then today, I guess he just. . .snapped_. _Jisung is a sweet, warm hearted boy. I've known him almost his entire life. He would never,_ _ **ever**_ _do anything like this. His hallucinations must be_ _ **insane**_ _._ "

Before any of them could say a word, the door was pushed open and Yuta appeared. He smiled briefly at them before rushing to Sicheng and pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

"What? Where are you going?" Sicheng set down the needle, before motioning for Xiaojun to sit up. He had'nt realized that Sicheng had already finished stitching him up.

"Scavenging with Yukhei," Yuta said. "And we're running low on food, so I'll find something for us. Alright?"

Sicheng nodded, but he didn't look too happy. "Yeah, that's fine. I love you."

Yuta was already halfway out the door, but he popped his head back inside with a wide smile. "I love you more."

" _Hashtag goals, am I right?"_

_Hendery punched him in the side."Yangyang, actually shut the fuck up."_


	14. It Comes In Waves

They walked in silence for a while.

Donghyuck closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the sun, letting the warmth wash over him. Jeno was dripping with sweat and Donghyuck felt horrible for Jisung, who was thrown over his shoulder.

Jisung had passed out almost as soon as they started on their journey, but Jeno insisted that he would be fine, he just needed rest before he could walk on his own along with them.

The streets had been surprisingly peaceful. They had come across a few people and Donghyuck had been afraid they might be mob members, but nobody stopped them. They were all too run down and ragged to even notice them, and the few Donghyuck did make eye contact with just gave him a small nod. Donghyuck gave some of his rations to a little boy they passed in an alley. He was skin and bones, but the way his eyes lit up when Donghyuck smiled and handed him some saltine crackers made his heart swell.

Strange how Donghyuck felt more alive now than he did when he was in constant danger.

"Let's stop here for a few minutes," Jeno said. He set Jisung down on the blacktop. Jisung hissed and sat up, rubbing his burnt arms.

Donghyuck stayed standing in looked around. The first time he'd went off on his own to find Jeno, he hadn't payed much attention to anything. Might've been because he had almost frozen to death, but that didn't matter. He didn't recognize anything, but even if he had payed attention, how easy could it be to recognize a bunch of sand and broken down cars? Those were everywhere.

"Sit," Jeno said as he took a sip of his water. "We still have a long ways to go, don't wear yourself out."

Donghyuck rolled his eyes but say down across from Jeno anyways. Jisung was fully awake, but he sat there without saying a word. He kept eyeing Donghyuck, and he was afraid he would freak out and grab him again, but he never did.

Donghyuck turned his attention to Jeno. Jeno leaned back on his hands and tilted his head up towards the sun. His eyes were squinted when he looked back at Donghyuck. "What?"

"Nothing," Donghyuck shook his head. Looking at Jeno, how much he'd changed over the past year, Donghyuck couldn't help but be reminded of Mark. When he and Mark first got together, Mark wasn't much bigger than him. He was a scrawny, wannabe rapper with too-long hair that was always flat against his forehead and pinned there beneath a flat brimmed hat. But as they grew older, Mark grew out of his awkward phase. He filled out, bulked up a little. Donghyuck teased him for not growing that much, though Mark was still taller than him. Though, not by much.

Mark finally stopped wearing his stupid baggy outfits and actually developed a non-disgusting sense of fashion, which consisted mostly of jeans and hoodies, or if they were at school, his letterman jacket. He wore it every single day without fail.

'I'm the captain of the team," Mark would say every time Donghyuck asked why he always wore it. 'I have to make sure everyone knows.'

The only Canadian in school was captain of the hockey team. Who would've thought?

Across from Donghyuck, Jeno tugged on his sweat-soaked T-shirt. He had gained a lot more weight since they had lived in Target. He looked healthy again, and had even put on a lot of muscle. Being separated from the rest of them definitely did Jeno a lot of good, despite putting Sicheng through hell.

Donghyuck himself was still struggling with the whole food thing. He had gotten so used to not eating that he never really adjusted back once Yukhei and Jisung started finding enough food to feed everyone. He couldn't eat much at all without feeling sick, so at this point, Jeno was much bigger than he was. Then again, so was Jisung.

"What?"

Donghyuck hadn't realized he'd been staring. Jeno looked back at him with his eyebrows raised.

"Nothing, I was just ... " Donghyuck wondered if he should tell Jeno his thoughts. He didn't want anyone to worry about him any more than they already were, and he hadn't mentioned Mark in a long time. Then again, Jeno would understand better than anyone. Even Yukhei. "I was thinking about Mark."

Jeno nodded. "It's hard, huh?" He crossed his legs and leaned forward. "I try not to think about Jaemin, but ... " He ran a hand through his hair and let out a long sigh. "I don't know, it's just ... it's hard not to."

"Mark could've made it," Donghyuck said. "If he hadn't been a total idiot and just stayed with me, he would've mad it, he would've-"

"He was already sick, Hyuck," Jeno interrupted. "He wouldn't have been able to fight it off."

Donghyuck felt his throat begin to ache. He felt like he was being choked, but he didn't want to cry. Especially not out here with Jeno. "But Jisung got better," he managed to say.

Jisung looked up. "Mark was way worse than I was," he said softly. "He looked like he wouldn't survive a slap to the face."

Jeno nodded in agreement. "Exactly."

Donghyuck narrowed his eyes. "If you guys are just going to rub it in my face, then you can just - "

"Hyuck, you know that's not what we're trying to do," Jeno grabbed his arms. "I'm not trying to rub it in your face, I'm trying to make sure you know the reality of the whole situation. I don't want you beating yourself up about it. I don't want you thinking of the 'should have's' and the 'could've been's'. Okay?"

Donghyuck shook his head. He couldn't help but to be angry. He wasn't sure what exactly was the issue, nothing had changed. Mark was gone, and had been for over a year, so why was he suddenly getting upset?

Donghyuck's eyes burned and his throat ached like he had a scream stuck in there for too long. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out a was a soft whimper before his eyes finally betrayed him, tears that he had held back for what felt like forever spilled over his cheeks.

He wasn't sure when it happened, but he found himself holding on to Jeno, crying into his shirt while the other just sat there rubbing his back.

Jisung sat beside them silently, sending worried glances at Donghyuck before turning away.

"I told Jaemin we'd be together soon," Jeno finally said. "I was with him when he died, but he wasn't scared. He just smiled and told me it would be okay. And I believed it would, I didn't bother grieving for him, I thought I'd get to see him again, I thought I wouldn't need to."

Donghyuck sniffled and leaned back. "Do you believe in heaven?"

Jeno paused. "I think there's something. Call it heaven, I don't know. I don't think you die and you're worm food, and I also don't think there's man in the sky sending people to live with his 'red friend'. But I truly believe he's somewhere waiting for me, wondering why I haven't shown up yet, and I just can't ... "

"Come on," Donghyuck managed a smile. "You know he'd understand. And if that's what you truly believe, then I'm sure you know that Mark is up there with him, laughing at their stupid, pathetic boyfriends crying over them."

"I love him but you're right, he would do that,"Jeno grinned. "I would've married him, you know."

Jisung turned back around to face them. "Everyone knew. Honestly, the fact that you weren't already-"

"I almost asked him," Jeno said. "I mean, I didn't have a ring, but I don't think he would've minded."

"Jeno, how long did it take for him to say 'I love you' back?"

Jeno's cheeks blushed dark. "Yeah, alright," he said. "But I know he loved me. Maybe at the time I didn't know that. I was an idiot."

Jeno suddenly looked absolutely devastated. Donghyuck knew exactly what he was feeling. The thought that he hadn't appreciated Mark when he was alive as much as he could've, as much as he did now was crushing him.

Jeno told Jaemin he loved him all the time. Jaemin would never say it back, but he'd smile and hug him, kiss him, anything to let him know how he felt without using words.

Jeno looked over at Jisung for a while, studying him. Jisung didn't notice at first. He sat there drawing figures in the dirt. He finally noticed he was being watched and squirmed uncomfortably. "What?"

Jeno gave him a sad smile. "Don't mess things up with Chenle, alright? You know how sensitive he can be."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll figure it out," Jeno said. "You're a smart kid."

Jisung looked towards Donghyuck for an explanation, but Donghyuck only ruffled his hair. "He's worried about you," he said. "We all are. Just worry about getting better first, yeah?"

Jisung nodded. "Yeah," he nodded and wiped his nose with his sleeve. "

It was then that Donghyuck noticed that Jisung wasn't looking directly at them when he spoke. His eyes were always fixed a few inches to the right. Not at anything behind them or next to them, just ... at nothing. But Jisung spoke to them like he always did, his eyes fixed in one spot like he was holding eye contact with something that wasn't there. Donghyuck leaned to the right, but Jisung eyes shifted further, maintaining the same distance they had before.

"Jeno," Donghyuck said softly. "You don't happen to have paper and a pen in that bag, do you?"

"Actually I do," Jeno said as he unzipped his bag. "I was going to write down whatever they said about Jisung's condition so we don't mess anything up when we get back to the studio. Plus, Sicheng'll definitely want details."

Donghyuck took the paper and pen from Jeno and passed it to Jisung. "Draw me a clock."

"What the - why?"

"Jisung, draw a clock."

"Alright," Jisung sent Jeno a look, but Jeno only shrugged.

Jisung stood up to use the hood of a car as a flat surface. When he finished, he turned and held out the paper. His arm was extended further to the right than it was actually towards Donghyuck.

Donghyuck frowned. The clock was hardly even a circle. It's sides were squiggly, and the numbers weren't even inside of the 'clock'. They looked like they were falling out of the sides.

"What's that look for? You asked for a clock, if you don't like it then maybe-"

"Jeno, come here."

"What? What's wrong?" Jeno leaned over to see the paper. "Oh."

"This is really bad, Jeno," Donghyuck said.

"Don't ask me to draw you a clock next time!"

"Not the issue, Jisung!" Donghyuck snapped before turning back to Jeno. "Brain damage. He could have swelling or something, we have to hurry up and get there."

"Alright," Jeno pulled himself back to his feet. "Let's go then."


	15. Faster We're Falling

Yuta looked down at the ant crawling over his fingers.

Usually he would've killed it, crushed the tiny thing under his hand. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. Lately, he couldn't bare to kill anything, even the spiders Sicheng cried about. He'd cup them in his hands and walk them outside. A year ago, he wouldn't have even gone near them. But there was too much death, and not just people.

Most of the human and animal carcasses had been eaten by the surviving animals - foxes, stray dogs and cats, et cetera, et cetera.

It grossed him out, but at the same time, nature always takes care of itself. So when he saw trucks of armed men in uniforms driving into the city, he panicked.

He and Yukhei had gone outside and were spotted not too long after by one of the groups. At first, Yuta thought they were mobs, the ones with money for actual weapons. But as they walked closer, Yuta realized their uniforms we're camouflage. They wore matching berets and had badges pinned to their chests. They were soldiers.

When Yuta asked what was going on, they explained that the government was cleaning up the streets. All the garbage was being taken away, any salvagable vehicles would be brought into the government and used for rescues. Injured animals would be taken to wildlife rehabilitation centers where they would be cared for and then released. The homeless would be paid to help clean up the streets and rebuild the cities, cook food, and repair houses. Couples would take in orphaned children after being approved by child protective services.

Yuta was absolutely ecstatic. He and Yukhei ran all the way back to the studio, where they excitedly told the others about what they had seen.

Sicheng fell into his arms, shedding a few tears but assured Yuta that they were tears of relief. 

Yuta wondered if the government had made it out to wherever Jeno, Jisung, and Donghyuck were. He hadn't heard from them in days, but he was sure they were fine. If Jeno and Donghyuck survived by themselves, surely they could do it again, especially now that they had each other.

Behind him, the boards that had been nailed across the windows of the studio fell to the ground.

"Howdy," Yukhei's head popped out through the open window. "Nice, huh? We have natural light now."

Yuta pulled himself to his feet and turned around. "D'you think they'll turn the electricity back on?"

"Pretty sure," Yukhei said. "They need it to rebuild, don't they?"

"Yeah," Yuta brushed his fingers through his too-long hair and pushed it back away from his face. Sicheng, Yuta, and Jisung had let their hair grow out quite a bit. Chenle cut his own hair, along with Yukhei's, Donghyuck's, and Jeno's.

Xiaojun, Hendery, and Yangyang stuck around. They didn't stay in the studio (thank god) due to lack of room, and instead they stayed across the alley in what seemed to be a supply room for one of the restaurants up the street. 

Yuta still wasn't sure how he felt about them, since Chenle told them to speak chinese to him and refuse to translate. It's been a week, and Yuta had still never had a conversation with them.

Not for lack of trying though, Yuta had asked them many questions about anything he could think of, but they'd just snicker and mutter something in chinese. Yuta even asked Sicheng to please, please tell him what they had said. But Sicheng would only shrug and turn away, thinking Yuta didn't notice him fighting a smile.

Needless to say, Sicheng went without kisses for the rest of the day. By far the worst punishment Yuta could think of - in fact, he himself almost couldn't take it.

I'm sorry, Sicheng finally said, though his small smile told Yuta that he wasn't actually sorry at all. But come on, it is kinda funny.

It's not, Yuta had insisted. They're mean. Chenle's mean, and you're mean, too.

A loud shriek pulled Yuta from his thoughts.

"What?"

Yukhei grinned at him from the window. "You zoned out. Pretty creepy actually, you stared at me for the longest time. Also, you're drooling."

Yuta's hand shot up to his lip. There was nothing there. Yukhei cackled.

Yuta glared and threw a rock at him. "You know, I don't like to use the term, 'butt-head' too often because it'll lose it's meaning, but I can say without hesitation that you're being a real dick."

Yukhei stuck out his bottom lip.

"Hey, going back to the electricity thing," Yuta said, his eyes widening. "Do you think they'd let me work? I mean, I'm an environmental engineer, they'd totally let me-"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Yukhei said. "To be honest, I don't actually care. I just wanted to ask if you could-"

"-and we could definitely use the money, I mean, normally we could just find a new place and take it but with everything getting fixed up and the government programs rebooting, I think we could actually find a safe-"

"Fine, I'll just ask Hendery." Yukhei grumbled before walking away from the window, leaving Yuta alone.

Yuta rolled his eyes. He looked down at his hands that were so grimy and covered with dirt, Chenle would have a fit. He had the sudden urge to cry. He wasn't particularly upset about anything, the opposite actually. He was so overwhelmed with relief and excitement that his chest tightened and his breath hitched.

He took a few deep breaths, brushed his hands off on his sweatpants and walked back inside.

Chenle was cleaning as best as he could with just water and a rag - he only used his presents from Yukhei, his soaps, on people. Yukhei was speaking softly to Hendery, gesturing to the windows and then to the door. Xiaojun sat next to Sicheng. He was trying to scratch his neck around the stitches, but Sicheng kept slapping his hand.

"Yuta!" Sicheng noticed him when the door clicked behind him. "Yukhei told me about the trucks." Yuta stood there as Sicheng approached him. "They're going to help us, right? They can help Jisung?"

Yuta shrugged. "It seems like that's exactly what they're here for, but Jisung might already be getting help now."

"But he might not." Sicheng crossed his arms and looked down.  "We don't have any way of knowing anything until they get back, and-"

"Stop," Yuta reached out for Sicheng and ran his hands down his arms. "Don't do this to yourself, okay? Jisung is going to be fine. He was the only one to beat the sickness, he can handle whatever this is. Look at me," Yuta gently cupped Sicheng's cheek and pulled him closer. He slipped his hand under Sicheng's shirt and rubbed small circles over his lower back. "Jisung will be back soon, and everything will be fine. Okay?"

Sicheng nodded, his eyes fluttering closed as he leaned into Yuta's touch. "Mhmm."

"That's gay," Chenle mumbled as he pushed passed them with his dirt-covered rag.

"I'll hit you, little man," Yuta leaned over Sicheng to punch Chenle in the shoulder.

"Thanks for the warning."

"Be nice," Sicheng said, though his tone was weak.

Yuta would be lying if he said he understood what Sicheng was worried about. Yeah, Jisung, Jeno, and Donghyuck hadn't returned yet, but if Jisung was receiving treatment, they shouldn't be back for a while anyways. He tried explaining that to Sicheng, but he just wasn't getting it. 

Yuta let out a soft sigh and looked around the room. No one was doing anything seemingly important, and he didn't think he was needed, so he took Sicheng's hand and pulled them to their room.

Yuta sat down on the mattress and Sicheng knelt between his legs. Sicheng's eyes cast downward, his strands of overgrown dark hair that didn't fit into his bun fell into his eyes. Yuta reached out and touched the silver piece of hair. He tucked it back behind his ear. "You okay?"

Sicheng lifted his gaze. He nodded. "Yeah, I feel kinda . . ." He leaned into Yuta and nuzzled into his stomach. His fingers twisted into Yuta's shirt. "Just weird, I guess."

"Good or bad weird?"

"I don't know," Sicheng said softly. He ran his hands up Yuta's sides. Yuta almost didn't notice how sad he looked. His eyes were wet as he started to tug at Yuta's jeans. Yuta held his wrists to stop him. "Yuta, please . . ."

"You're hiding something," Yuta said. "Right? There's something you're not telling me."

"I'm not hiding anything, why would you-"

"Sicheng, I know you. I can tell when something's bothering you. You can tell me-"

"I can't," Sicheng snapped. "I can't tell you."

"Sicheng, please-"

"No, Yuta," Sicheng's voice was suddenly soft again. "I can't. Can you please just leave it alone?"

"No, because if it's something that I can take care of-"

"You can help," Sicheng said quickly. He leaned up and pressed hot, wet kissed to Yuta's neck. "I just need to feel something. That's all, Yuta, please."

Yuta let go of his wrists and turned his head to allow Sicheng better access. "This problem," he said slowly. "It'll go away?"

"Yes," he said. "I promise. It'll be fine."


	16. Wonderful Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yo I accidentally posted this to the WRONG book the first time and I absolutely hate myself for it. I'm a colossal dumbass. I am so sorry.

Donghyuck stood stiffly beside Jeno. Jeno smiled and greeted people as they passed, a totally Jeno thing to do that really, really annoyed Donghyuck.

It would be one thing if he recognized them, then of course he'd be doing the same but he decided he was irritated with the fact that Jeno had gotten to know so many people when he was separated from their group only a few weeks before. Jealousy? No. Not Donghyuck, never.

Okay, maybe.

He didn't know why, it wasn't like Jeno didn't have tons of friends back in highschool, and Donghyuck hadn't had an issue with that. Jeno was the guy who was friends with everyone, he fit into many different friend groups. Even the stoners, though Jeno was too much of a pussy to ever smoke weed (unlike quite a few others— cough, Mark, Lucas, Johnny, Jungwoo, cough), Jeno still sometimes wore baja hoodies and hung out with them at the skatepark, not that he could even skate.

Everyone loved Jeno. That's how it had always been.

Jeno was as close to an angel as a human could possibly get, and that's coming from someone who also knew Dong Sicheng—not as much of an angel as one would think, thought he was slick but Donghyuck noticed the purple bruises on his inner thighs—quite extensively.

There wasn't a person on Earth who would disagree that Jeno had that type of warmth, that comforting aura that made everyone around him feel so incredibly at ease without having to even say anything.

Even after Jaemin died, Jeno was totally at peace, oddly okay with it. Super weird but Donghyuck knew that everyone deals with their own stuff differently, go off or whatever.

He supposed he was jealous of how easily Jeno fit in. Everywhere he went, he seemed at ease. Donghyuck was never like that. He could play it off like he was totally fine, sure. He always could. But all the people that Jeno had met here ... well, it made Donghyuck wonder if Jeno even needed them anymore. He could run off and live anywhere. The rest of them couldn't do that. Jeno probably wouldn't ever do that, but there was still that fear.

"Hey," Donghyuck jumped. Jeno stared at him with furrowed brows. In front of them stood a tall man with wavy, shoulder length hair. He vaguely recognized him from the first time he'd been here. "You hear that?"

"No, sorry." Donghyuck mumbled sheepishly.

"Hwiyoung says Jisung is going to be okay," Jeno said. "He should be ready to go in a week or two."

"Oh," Donghyuck felt a wave of relief wash over him. "That's great. So what is it? Is it what Sicheng thought it was?"

"Yeah, what was it called?"

"Anti-NMDAR Encephalitis," Hwiyoung said. "It's when the body makes antibodies that attack the brain. It disrupts signalling and creates swelling, which can lead to hallucinations, paranoia, aggression, seizures, and movement disorders, which as we've seen, he's got all the symptoms."

"So he'll be okay in a couple weeks?"

"Not exactly," Hwiyoung said. "He can leave by then, but it takes about two years for a full recovery. He's receiving a plasma exchange as we speak, and he'll be put on steroids."

"So what do we do until then?"

Hwiyoung shifted his weight and glanced around the very cramped room. People were busy rushing around, visiting each other or doing jobs, nurses sprinted around people with surprising agility. "Well, you could either leave and come back in two weeks, or you could stay here in one of our spare rooms. There's only a few left, so I'd make a decision quick."

Jeno looked at Donghyuck expectantly.

"What are you looking at me for?"

"I'm letting you decide what to do."

Donghyuck narrowed his eyes. He knew perfectly well that 'I'm letting you decide' roughly translated to:  _You're a diva bitch and I don't want to listen to you complain_ , but Jeno was too nice to ever say that.

"We can stay here," Donghyuck finally decided. He had a few reasons, one of which being that he didn't want to deal with listening to Yukehi and Yuta bickering back and forth or the sad cloud that always seemed to be hovering over Chenle lately..He was sure Sicheng was stressing over him, Jeno, and Jisung to the point where he was making himself sick. The other reason was that Donghyuck really didn't feel like walking. Especially now as weather patterns were finally starting to pick back up, except instead of severe temperatures, there was hail, extreme winds, tornados, hurricanes, et cetera. Though their area had been hit with nothing but extreme winds recently, Donghyuck figured that with his luck, the moment he stepped outside, he would become an unlucky extra in Sharknado 7.

Their room was tiny.

Donghyuck was grateful nonetheless because there were two beds, thank God and whoever else, but if Donghyuck and Jeno both were to lay down on their own beds, they would be able to reach over and touch each other without having to stretch far at all.

There walls were bare and painted pale grey. There were no windows, and there was a single lightbulb on the ceiling. Though the lightbulb was LED, so Donghyuck's eyes were in a constant state of pain from the obnoxiously bright light.

Donghyuck sat on his bed with his legs crossed under him.

He faced Jeno. He looked different. Donghyuck wasn't sure why, maybe it was his expression—eyes bright and shining and a small smile that made him look younger, but he couldn't tell if he was genuinely in a good mood or just wistful.

The longer he sat there, the more he found himself thinking of the past. Something he hadn't done in a long time. He couldn't bring himself to, most days.

-

_Donghyuck and Renjun sat on the cold metal bleachers, both with blankets draped over their shoulders and another over their legs. Their noses were red and sniffling in the cold, but they were used to it this far into the season._

_Jungwoo had left a few minutes earlier to make his usual venture to the snack shack, where Taeyong volunteered his time to make small children and stoned teens with a bad case of the munchies (Jungwoo) happy with stale nachos and 10¢ caramel creams. Donghyuck was sure Doyoung and Kun were around somewhere, they usually were._

_"It's a wonder they still have all their teeth," Renjun commented as Jaemin was slammed into the boards._

_Jaemin never seemed to mind, in fact he was always smiling like he was having the time of his life, which he had confirmed on many occasions. Mark skated past him and brushed against his shoulder._

_Mark wasn't very aggressive when it came to hockey, or any life situation actually. He was all offence. He always made sure all the other players were getting turns with the puck, and as the team captain, he was praised for not letting the title go to his head. Mark was captain not because of his abilities (though he was very good, let's get that straight), but for his, quote, 'selfless, team player attitude' or whatever the hell that meant._

_Jaemin was a little different. He took his position as defenseman (he was more of an enforcer, really) very seriously. He went as far as taking out several of the other teams players even though they hadn't been in his way at all. It was funny for the first year, but when they came back for the next season and Jaemin had grown another four inches and was now one of the broadest guys on the team, it wasn't really a joke any more. Jaemin had to be careful not to really hurt anyone, which never used to be an issue due to his small size._

_"Right," Donghyuck hummed in agreement. His heart hammered in his chest each time the puck whizzed passed Marks face. They had helmets and mouthguards, sure, but he still worried._

_"Bathrooms here are disgusting," Jeno said as he plopped himself down on the other side of Donghyuck. "What'd I miss?"_

_"Your boyfriend got fucking bulldozed."_

_"Not surprised,"Jeno pursed his lips. "I always tell him."_

_"He seemed to enjoy it," Renjun smirked. "Does he like being thrown around, Jeno?"_

_Jeno blushed. "How would I know? Gosh, I hope not, I don't think I could-"_

_"Alright, we get it," Donghyuck playfully pushed Jeno over. "You're soft."_

_Donghyuck's sentence was punctuated by Jaemin slamming someone against the boards. The guy crumpled to the ice for a few seconds before pulling himself back to his feet in a daze. Jaemin skated past him, shoving his body into the guy's shoulder and sent him down for a second time._

_Jeno sighed. "He's adorable."_

_The next time Mark skated by them, he locked eyes with Donghyuck. He raised his eyebrows and mouthed, 'you good?' . Donghyuck wasn't sure why, but he suddenly felt uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat and rubbed his arms. The fabric caught on his stitches and Donghyuck winced._

_'I'm okay' he mouthed back. Renjun nudged Donghyuck in the ribs. "What was that?"_

_"Nothing," Donghyuck shook his head. "He just worries."_

_"Why?" Renjun made a face. "Mark doesn't act like that with anyone else."_

_"Yeah, well ..." but Donghyuck didn't know what to say. Mark had found him in a pool of his own blood a week before, pulse almost nonexistent. Johnny and Jaehyun were the only others who knew about what happened. At least that he knew of._

_Renjun shrugged and tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "Doesn't matter. He's a babe, Hyuck."_

_"I thought you didn't like guys," Donghyuck said. "Or girls. Actually, anyone, for that matter."_

 

_"I don't," he said. "But I still know what ugly is and let me tell you, that boy is not it."_

_Donghyuck grinned. "I know."_

_-_

_Donghyuck stared into the dark hallway from his bed. His sweater was pushed up, exposing his back. Him mom always insisted he left the bedroom door open whenever Mark was over, but he wasn't worried. It wasn't like he and Mark really ever did anything other than sleep or on rare occasions; make out._

_Donghyuck's eyes fluttered closed as Mark ran a hand over his back. "How you feeling?"_

_He let out a puff of air through his nose. "Okay."_

_"Hyuck ..."_

_Donghyuck rolled over and gathered his blankets in his arms. He rested his head in his arms and looked up at Mark. "Hurts."_

_Mark hummed. "Let me see." He took Donghyuck's arms in his hands and carefully rolled up his sleeves. They were still in the beginning stages of healing, the long jagged slices were puffy and bright red. They were just starting to scan, purple bits of dry skin caught on his clothes and brought Donghyuck to tears when they tore away, but he couldn't bring himself to wear anything that left his arms bare, and he didn't have any bandages as he hadn't anticipated actually being alive afterwards. His dad was stopping at the store after work to get him some anyways._

_Donghyuck felt something wet hit his arm. He lifted his head from the blankets and looked up. Mark let go of his arms and wiped at his eyes. "Hyuck, I can't ..." he started to say, but his voice broke. "I don't know what I'd do without you, I wish you'd understand that."_

_Donghyuck blinked. It wasn't the first time he'd heard Mark say something like that. As hard as he tried, he couldn't bring himself to believe it. Everyone always told him that he was a blessing, he was their sunshine. But Donghyuck made people laugh. There was a difference between keeping someone around for laughs and keeping someone around because you genuinely enjoy their company. Donghyuck couldn't wrap his head around the idea that people actually cared for him._

_Except for Mark. Donghyuck knew Mark loved him, but they were in highschool. They were both so young. If anything happened to Donghyuck, Mark would be sad for a while, sure. But he'd move on. Everyone would move on._

_And even if Donghyuck could somehow manage to believe he was loved by many, what about him? What about loving himself? As hard as he tried, he could find a single thing. He hated—no, despised his body, his voice, his entire personality. Any little thing he could find wrong about himself, he hated. He constantly reminded himself of them, he couldn't stop._

_The ugly moles on his stomach, his tan skin, the stretch marks on his thighs, Donghyuck could find anything to hate._

_Donghyuck flipped himself over onto his back. He reached his arms over his head and wrapped them around Mark's neck, pulling him down to connect their lips._

_"You're gorgeous," Mark said as he pulled away, nuzzling his nose into Donghyuck's neck. "Absolutely stunning."_

_"That's gay."_

_"Hyuck, I'm serious," Mark lifted his head to look at him. His eyes were wide._

_"So am I, now shut the fuck up and cuddle me, Gay Boy."_

_Donghyuck lifted himself up so Mark could slide down on the bed. Donghyuck wrapped his arms around Mark's neck and tangled their legs together. He pressed a soft kiss to Mark's cheek._

_"Your lips are soft."_

_Donghyuck hummed and closed his eyes. "That's because I spend most of the day grooming myself, unlike you."_

_Mark was quiet for a few seconds, and Donghyuck could imagine the look of complete and utter betrayal on his face, but he was too tired to look._

_Mark slid his hand under Donghyuck's sweater and pinched his stomach. "How can you be so mean yet so sweet at the same time?"_

_Donghyuck grabbed the hand that pinched him and laced their fingers together, a gesture he hoped Mark would think was just something nice and not just him trying to protect himself for being pinched more._

_"My Hot Tamale."_

_"That's the gayest hetero shit I've ever heard."_

_Mark crushed Donghyuck in his arms, their cheeks squished together. "Oh, you're so cute, Hyuck, my mean little baby, my spicy little Red Hot-"_

_"Get out of my house."_

-

_"Hey," Mark said as he knelt down in front of him. "I was worried about you."_

_Donghyuck nodded, turning to face Mark. Mark held his arm open and Donghyuck fell into them, pressing his face into his chest. "I know. You always are."_

_"Can you blame me?"_

_"No."_

_Mark sighed and held Donghyuck tighter against him. Donghyuck suddenly felt warm, his heart beating rapidly in his chest, and he wondered if Mark could hear it. He could hear Mark's, which was just as loud, or maybe that was just because  his head was resting just above where his heart would be._

_Donghyuck looked up at Mark, who was staring at the wall across the room. He leaned up, pressing his lips to the underside of Mark's jaw. "I love you."_

_Mark frowned. "No you don't."_

_"Don't say that," He felt his breath hitch in his chest. "Please, don't say that."_

_"If you loved me, you wouldn't leave."_

_"I won't leave," Donghyuck replied quickly, sitting up. He cupped Mark's face in his hands and peppered kisses all over his face. "I won't leave."_

_Mark gently pushed him back. "Promise."_

_Donghyuck nodded. "Yes. I promise."_

-

"Hyuck?"

"Hmm?"

Jeno was turned to face him. He sat with his legs crossed beneath him, a concerned expression on his face. "You're crying."

Donghyuck reached up to touch his face. His cheeks were wet and sticky. "Oh. Yeah, I guess so."

Jeno stood up and took the single step it took to make it to Donghyuck's bed, and sat down beside him. He put an arm around Donghyuck's shoulders and pulled him back against him. "Mark?"

"Yeah, I just-" his voice broke. "He made me promise not to leave him. And then he just ... he just, you know ..."

Jeno nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know."

"But he's not here, so I'm just thinking about what's even stopping me from killing myself anymore?"

"Well first off, you'd destroy Sicheng, so there's that."

"He's worried about Jisung, not me."

Jeno made a face. "Hyuck, you ... " he paused and clenched his jaw. "I'm sorry, but you're fucking delusional if that's what you really think."

Donghyuck pursed his lips and pushed himself off of Jeno.

"Hyuck, listen- hey!" Jeno raised his voice as Donghyuck stood up. "Where are you going?"

Donghyuck turned, and was met face to face with Jeno. He hadn't heard him stand.

"You're not leaving," Jeno said. "You leave again, don't expect me to be there to welcome you back when you decide to show up again."

Donghyuck bit his lip. "I don't want to come back. I don't want to be here, Jeno. I don't want to be anywhere that Mark isn't."

Jeno let out an angry puff of air through his nose. "You're really pissing me off, you know that?"

"Oh, I'm pissing  _you_  off?"

"Don't even start, Hyuck," Jeno hissed. "You're really dumb. You're actually stupid if you think that no one wants you around. We all do, alright? And if Mark was still here, you know he'd be all over you."

"Well, he isn't."

"That isn't the point," Jeno took another step forward. "My point is, you can't kill yourself without even trying to make your life better. I know you and Mark were in love, I know he was your reason to live. I get that. But Mark is gone. And we all need you here, so please.  _Please_ , just try."

Donghyuck rubbed his eyes. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?"

"You and Jaemin were attached at the hip, my guy. Gosh, I thought Jaehyun and Taeyong were bad, no. You guys were straight up disgusting, 'Jaeminnie, my one true love uwuwuwu' downright nasty. I mean that in the most loving way possible, of course, but you seem totally fine. As far as I've seen, you're the only one who hasn't totally lost their mind."

"He wouldn't want me to waste my life with the could-haves."

"Oh my god-" Donghyuck imitated throwing up.

"I'm serious. I miss him so much it hurts, Hyuck. I'm not okay. I see him in everything, and it kills me. But I know it'll hurt less with time. I'll always miss him. I'll always love him, but the pain will pass. It'll get easier."

"I hate you."

"Because I'm right?"

Donghyuck scoffed. "Because you're perfect. You're perfect, Jeno."

"What, I'm not-"

Donghyuck leaned forward and hugged Jeno tight. "You know what's weird?"

"Hmm?"

"If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend you're Mark."

There was a long silence, and Donghyuck really wished he had kept his mouth shut. That was really,  _really_  weird. Not something to say to your friend, your dead boyfriend's friend, your dead boyfriend's friend with a dead boyfriend.

"I guess we were about the same size, huh?" Jeno finally said. Donghyuck couldn't detect an ounce of discomfort in his voice, and he breathed a sigh of relief. "Does it make you feel better? Pretending I'm him, I mean?"

Donghyuck nodded into his sweatshirt. He couldn't bring himself to speak. He couldn't tell how he felt. He was confused, angry, nervous, and upset all at once, but his heart thumped rapidly in his chest as Jeno wrapped his arms around his waist.

Donghyuck looked up at Jeno. Jeno stared at him for a few seconds before ducking his head down and pressing his lips against Donghyuck's. He was startled at first, then angry. He stood there frozen. But the anger quickly melted away and was replaced with sadness. He parted his lips and kissed Jeno back.

All he could think of was Mark. Mark's smile, Mark's laugh, Mark's nervous stutter—everything.

He felt something wet hit his cheek, and he realized when it ran over his lips and he tasted the salt that Jeno was crying.

He felt guilty for kissing Jeno, as well as assuming Jeno was okay when he clearly wasn't. Jeno might've even been hurting worse than he was. Donghyuck was a sad person to begin with, he already wanted to die, but Jeno had his entire world ripped away from him.

He was selfish. And Donghyuck hated himself even more for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've known I've wanted to do this since the beginning of this story and I'm so glad I finally managed to find a place for it!


End file.
